FEATURES: Hello David and Rebecca! Thanks for being with us! To start off, this interview marks the third consecutive time you both have been featured in The Phillipian. How does it feel?
DAVID: I think it’s my fourth. I am a god.
REBECCA: We are gods, pretty much.
DAVID: They should build a pyramid in our honor. Like the Aztecs.
FEATURES: Cool. So if you were an animal, which would it be, and why?
DAVID: I’d rather be a Lion because … I don’t know, they’re lions dude! Like the kings of the jungle.
Rebecca: Oh easy, I’d be an eagle, because the eagle is my spirit animal. It’s a bad story. I shouldn’t tell you. But I will. See, I was in Utah once, and I saw a bunch of eagles. It was pretty awesome.
DAVID: She soars higher than the rest of us. We strive to reach Rebecca’s lofty heights.
REBECCA: Haha yeah, standing at a whopping 5’ 6”.
FEATURES: Just about as tall as David.
DAVID: C’mon bro, I’m 5’8”!
FEATURES: Are these creatures really your “spirit animals,” or are they merely corporeal manifestations of your consciousnesses?
REBECCA: Both? Maybe?
DAVID: Can you explain “corporeal manifestation of consciousness?” Like what does it mean?
FEATURES: It means whatever you want it to mean.
DAVID: Ok thanks, you’re cooperative. Pal.
FEATURES: Sure thing.
So Rebecca, this one is for you. Drawing from your knowledge as a DJ, what song would you say epitomizes the essence of Andover?
REBECCA: Probably “All Falls Down” – it’s about a girl who drops out of college. It’s really sad Kanye music.
FEATURES: What a wonderful reflection of our community.
DAVID: I think it should be “99 Problems” by Jay-Z.
REBECCA: “99 Problems”? Noooooo. No no no. No.
FEATURES: Now, on the more political side, what exactly does your slogan “Real Life, Real People,” mean? Is life somehow fake, and are the other candidates actually “illusions?”
*Long, borderline-awkward pause.*
REBECCA: Yeah, pretty much.
DAVID: I mean, you can touch and feel us, you know? We are actually there.
FEATURES: And you can’t touch and feel the other candidates?
DAVID: Probably not.
FEATURES: If you could have one superpower, what would you choose?
DAVID: Growing taller, maybe?
REBECCA: Nah, Lightning speed, so I can get a varsity jacket.
DAVID: Like Flash?
REBECCA: I was thinking of The Incredibles… Speaking of which, I think I’d rather have super strength. Then I can get that wrestling varsity jacket.
FEATURES: Perfect. So one last question: why is there not bacon pizza in Commons?
DAVID: It’s a game changer, but how much bacon is too much bacon? That is the question.
FEATURES: … Damn.
