Oprah Winfrey, the well-known television talk show host and philanthropist, has amazed the world with her generosity yet again, this time taking on the challenge of Upper Spring. Winfrey interrupted All-School Meeting last week, to announce her newest project. However, she interrupted the newest form of entertainment at all-school meeting: faculty in-law man slam. After five minutes of uncomfortable beat-dropping, the student body was relieved to see the face of everyone’s favorite afternoon talk show host grace the stage of Cochran Chapel. Winfrey sashayed down the center aisle of the chapel and stole away the microphone from Head of School Barbara Chase’s brother in-law. “Hel-lo Phillips Academy!” said Winfrey. Shouts resonated throughout the chapel. “I am a helping woman. I have my own magazine, my OWN book club, my OWN school, my OWN new television show that airs on Sunday nights at 9:00 pm eastern standard time on ABC. Oh, and I give away cars like candy. So what’s next for me, Oprah the great? WHAT DO *dramatic pause* YOU NEED *dramatic pause* HELP WITH?!?” The son-in-law of Associate Dean of Students, Carlos Hoyt offered, “And I could sure use some help getting my bandana off. It looks like this faculty in-law man slam has come to a halt.We just got served.” Oprah responded, “Can we get ‘doctor’ Phil up here to deal with this in-law? As I was SAY-ing, I am helping… UPPERS!!” “When I travel to South Africa, I see distress in rural communities. When I talk to unwed teenage mothers, I see sadness and fear in their eyes. When I talk to couples with failing marriages, I am jealous because I only have Gayle. However, I had never seen so much turmoil in one group until I saw the members of the Upper class.” Winfrey sadly admitted. Winfrey turned to her slideshow to begin showing the average Phillips Academy student until she was rudely interrupted by a loud hissing noise. Winfrey howled, “The NERVE… to interrupt!” Chase’s cousin in-law, who was still on stage from the earlier slam escapades, mouthed to the audience with a shrug, ‘It’s the heat. You might think that with an endowment that’s nearing one billion, well not quite, but almost. We must beat Exeter, we are B-E-T-T-E-R we could get the heat fixed, but no. I want to vacuum.” Neither Winfrey nor the students sitting in the pews understood what he said because he mouthed it. Students did feel a little uncomfortable about the last sentence mouthed. Winfrey continued with her Power Point presentation of the average Upper. She projected a photo of a 17 year old male. The male was wearing topsiders, a polo shirt and madras shorts—the first sign of distress. Winfrey offered shocking statistics to accompany her photographs. “The average Upper at Andover has 12, yes 12 extra-curricular activities. The average Upper joined 10 of these 12 activities just this week. The average upper is president, or has a position with the word ‘executive’ in the title, in at least four of the 10 most recently joined activities. Do not stand idly, America!” Winfrey brought up 16 uppers of varying interests, ethnic backgrounds and per-capita incomes to the stage of the chapel. She hugged each Upper and proudly announced, “I will give each one of you in the entire chapel, even the ones sitting behind the pillars, STUDY DRUGS!” Members of the Isham Health Center confiscated the giveaways at each door of the chapel. While exiting the Chapel, an Upper, who wishes to remain anonymous, commented, “That Oprah, she always takes it to the next level. First cars, then study drugs—wow. She could have just handed out Red Bull in Commons and I’d have been happy.”
