Andover is upping its athletic prowess this spring with rigorous training and a new, sleek, competitive attitude. The math team, coming off a tough season, will dominate “Tha League” with its new top three draft picks (whose salary was paid for by selling the bell tower to Slovakia). Go get ’em mathletes! The Varsity Boys Lacrosse team will be a tough cookie for opponents as well. This is, of course, assuming that half of the team has been approved for parole over the next few months. It seems the biggest gun in Andover’s arsenal will be Ultimate Frisbee. The squad has spent the entire spring break training in the jungles of Vietnam, abandoning the weaklings and Democrats along the way. Eric Bair ’05, aka “The Serial Thriller,” moved to Vermont so he could legally marry his appropriately sized Frisbee that he has affectionately named “Reggie.” The Varsity Baseball team will have a smooth season with the exception of a face off with Exeter, who bought the Dominican Republic from Andreas Bobadilla ’06 as a spring training ground. However, Exeter took a crushing blow with the steroid incident in Congress. Andover med-ex is taking a serious blow with the loss of Will “1/2 man, _ amazing” Rodriguez Rodolfo “I live in Lawrence” Gonzales Cannon ’07, who had rehabilitative surgery to his back. The surgery was paid for by wearing a spandex elf costume and washing dishes for Michael Jackson, and by, err, not talking about whatever else didn’t happen. Andover crew is going to thrash the seven seas with the aid of Geoff Martin ’07 and Rush Martin ’07, two Lebanese brothers separated at birth by a violent sandstorm, only to be re-united under the mighty oar of Andover crew. Their father, Ricky, is very proud of them. I will stop there out of reverence to Mr. Washburn, who found the kindness in his soul to give me a passing grade in Math 220 last term. God speed, sir. Andover JV sports are looking good with the exception of JV2 lacrosse, which lost Derrick Kuan ’04 and 39 year old part time captain Matt Fram ’82. The deuce is looking to rebound under the tutelage of Nate Scott ’05, who is wanted in 20 countries for looking dangerously attractive. The cycling team is depending heavily on Nick Bowen ’06 former pupil of bicycle god Lance Armstrong. An interview was scheduled with Nick, but he had to go on a spirit quest with Chief Kills-in-the-Fog in order to get in touch with his Native American roots instead. As for tennis, they will turn to former super model Elliot Beck ’05 to carry not only the team, but midgets as well, on his muscular shoulders. FITT is looking to add about two hours to its daily routine. This, as we all know, is because the only purpose of FITT is to train an army of elite high school students that will someday be unleashed on an Mexico. Fencing will continue to be the region’s most dominate sword fighters, according to captain Gandalf Dumbledore (note, the fencing team captain is a stationary block of plywood with a wizard face drawn on it with a purple cloaked person behind it).
