Bummed about missing out on Valentine’s Day Fever again this year? Feel like everyone but you received a valentine of some sort? Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us. But next year will be different. By following a few easy steps, you can ensure that next Valentine’s Day you won’t be sitting alone crying yourself to sleep like you did this year. Ask Early, Ask Often: Don’t wait until the last minute to ask that special someone to be yours. Now that Valentine’s Day is over, all bets are off. Next year is right around the corner. Your valentine hunt should begin now. What better way to spend your February 15th than dropping some “Be Mine in ’09” Valentines into the mailboxes of some cute girls you’ve never spoken to before? And if you get turned down, don’t fret. Come next year, they’ll probably have forgotten all about you, giving you the chance to ask them again. Be Resilient: Afraid to ask someone to be your valentine for fear of being turned down? The way I see it, getting turned down is like failing a math test. It happens once a week, but after drowning yourself in Halo and Twinkies for a few days, you’ll feel as good as new. And if someone you really like turns you down, don’t be afraid to keep asking her. She can’t get rid of you unless she says “yes” or files a restraining order, which I like to think of as more of a guideline than an official document anyway. So keep your head up, sport! Be Original: Yeah, giving flowers and chocolate is a good way to get the attention of someone you like. But let’s face it, it just gets kind of boring after a while. I mean, everyone does it. Next year try to do something that’s never been done before. Ask someone to be your valentine while heroically hurling yourself at the car that you’ve just been “catbonered” by. Rig the Bell Tower to play her a special Valentine’s Day chime. Send a fake Head of School Day email signed by her. There’s so much you could do, and I know how creative you are. Show off Your Scars: The toughness factor plays a huge role in whether or not you get the big “Yes” next Valentine’s Day. There’s no better way to prove how dangerous you are than by showing off your battle scars. Always remember: exaggeration, exaggeration, exaggeration. The gash above your eye can easily turn from an accident on your Big Wheel to a knife wound you got while fighting a rival gang. Don’t hold back; the bigger the scar, the better the story. Don’t Forget the Family: If someone is going to be your valentine, there are three key things she needs to know about you: what your family is like, a little bit about you and your name. While the latter two are easy enough, bringing your family into the situation can be difficult. For that reason you should always keep pictures on hand. Nothing says “Be Mine” more than photos of you with your 62-year-old wife and illegitimate children. Your potential valentine will be impressed by the devotion and commitment you show toward the people you care about. —Greg Hanafin
