This past Friday, Andover held its annual Club Rally in front of Paresky Commons. This event allows Andover’s hundreds of clubs to recruit members; it also fosters school spirit at the start of the academic year. Though this event seems joyous, one student, Turd Ferguson ’16, has reason to believe otherwise. Upon checking his e-mail, despite his absence from the event, Ferguson realized he was involuntarily signed up for 124 out of Andover’s 125 clubs. These clubs include, but are not limited to: Turtle Club, Fight Club, Sam’s Club, Photo Club, Tortoise Club, Andover Country Club, Fergie Fan Club and the Caucasian Student Union. Ferguson said in an e-mail to The Phillipian, “The only club I didn’t get signed up for was the only one I wanted: Andover’s chapter of Junior Plumbers of America.” On Friday afternoon, Ferguson was discharged from Isham Health Center after suffering from an overdose of Activia Probiotic Yogurt. Still weak after losing half his body weight, the Junior from Belchertown, MA, understandably decided to stay in his dorm instead of attending the rambunctious club rally. Upon interviewing Junior students, it was discovered that many wrote “Turd Ferguson” as a joke name, unaware that Ferguson is not only a real person, but also one of their peers. When asked why the Junior class resorted to “Turd Ferguson” specifically, as opposed to any other completely normal name, Priscilla Goodman ’16 said, “Well, we just got tired of using other names like Jesus, Bill Buttlicker, Mike Roch, Lindsay Lohan, Ben Dover, Barb Dwyer, Seymore Butts, Chris P. Nugget and Santa Claus.” The Academy is taking extensive measures to return Ferguson’s e-mail account back to normalcy. In order to do so, the PACC had to work day and night to fix the problem. Rope-in-hand, they ultimately resorted to pulling down the on-campus wireless Internet. Contrary to popular belief, the crashed e-mail server was not due to extensive use of bandwidth from Rockwell between the hours of 9 and 11 p.m.. Though rattled by the experience, Ferguson will not press charges of identity theft. The Phillipian asked his parents about their take on the situation, and they simply could not care less. Ferguson’s roommate, Richard Hedberg ’16, provides more support: “I don’t see why anyone would do this! Turd is such a nice guy, a total gentleman!” Though the first week was a crappy one for Turd, he remains optimistic that number two will pass more easily.
