Bear Grylls as a Model of Masculinity and One Confidently Misguided Boy’s Pursuit of Truth The following is an excerpt from a young man’s account of a “Man vs. Wild” marathon. – 1:07 p.m. Just woke up from an eleven hour snooze fest that was preceded by a six hour Black-Ops game-sesh. I won’t bore you with the details of my conquests, but my k-d ratio was simply god-like and I made sure everyone else knew it. – 1:24 p.m. Finished off the rest of the Pizza Rolls and the Mountain Dew for breakfast, so I’ll be starting off this marathon on the right foot. God, I love Bear.1 – 1:37 p.m. Bear is in the middle of some desert in some country that I have never heard of. Awesome. I should buy a Jeep Wrangler. – 1:54 p.m. Bear just pissed on his shirt and then used the shirt as a hat to cool himself off. I wish I was as cool as Bear. – 2:04 p.m. Bear just drank his own urine to stave off dehydration. What a hero. – 2:05 p.m. I’m getting kinda thirsty and the fridge is all the way in the other room. What would Bear do? – 2:06 p.m. I have confirmed that I am not half the man that Bear is. Maybe I should by some Axe to remedy the problem. – 2:28 p.m. New episode. Bear is in the Artic tundra, which could not be hotter. – 2:39 p.m. Once again, Bear has turned to his own urine to save the day; to prevent himself from succumbing to the freezing cold he drank his own urine, which he claims is like, “hot chocolate on a January morning.” Messiah. – 3:18 p.m. Bear, now in the Guatemalan wilderness, soaks a gash in his own urine to “kill bacteria and expedite the healing process.” I am smitten. – 4:25 p.m. Bear just ate a lizard and the look on his face screamed, “I sweat testosterone!” I wish my mom cooked lizard. – 5:08 p.m. Bear, ever the resourceful survivor, slept in his own urine to ward off ants. Heroic. – 5:33 p.m. I should buy a Subaru Outback or a Dodge Charger. Man. – 6:21 p.m. Just to prove his holiness, Bear jumped into freezing cold water, stripped naked, and performed calisthenics for thirty straight minutes. I wonder if they have uncut episodes. – 6:35 p.m. Took a short break from the show to catch my breath and order four Swiss Army knives. Back to the show. – 7:01 p.m. I wonder if Bear knows I have a small shrine for him. Whatever. – 11:23 p.m. After several hours of marinating in Bear Grylls’ testosterone-infused aura, I must depart for another night of adrenaline-pumping, profanity-laced gaming because, uh, yeah. 1 Most people call him by his full name, but I think we’ve reached the point in our relationship where I can call him by first name. At least that’s how I imagine it. -Robert Palmer
