For those of us who are not romantically inclined, such as this author, Valentine’s Day serves as an annual reminder of our (just this author’s) sexual shortcomings. What better way to commemorate our failed forays than a recount of not-so-memorable Valentine’s Day moments? Even though Valentine’s Day isn’t until February… Anyway, let’s begin. Kindergarten: A young Features writer to-be gets shut down by the class cutie, Elizabeth after using the tried-and-true pick-up line, “You know, I got an ‘A’ in sharing.” 1st grade: One year later, an intrepid Features writer to-be makes a bold attempt to win the favor of the teacher with a twenty dollar bill he smuggled from his mother’s purse. Alas, Deborah LaFaye was still in college. 2nd grade: Undeterred by his previous failures, a young Features writer to-be works up the courage to ask the most popular fifth grade girl on a date in a very elaborate way during recess. Hilarity—and public rejection—ensues. 3rd grade: Now a grizzled veteran of Valentine’s Day, this young Features writer to-be steels himself for his most daunting challenge to date: finally asking out Jane, who he’d been slipping answers to on math quizzes all year. Sadly, she’s busy on Friday night because she’s seven years old and apparently most seven year olds fall asleep at 6pm. 4th grade: This writer to-be enrolls in an all-boys school for the next 4 years. As you can imagine, this transfer put a serious damper on what had promised to be a female-filled social life. 9th grade: He’s a freshman. Pretty self-explanatory. 12th grade: After great deliberation, this author becomes asexual and transcends all animalistic desires. In all likelihood, he will spend this Valentine’s Day like every other—alone. Yet this time he will find love because he loves himself. 12th grade: While repeating the 12th grade at another prep school, this Features alum, no longer asexual, earns three Sadie dates, because after all, he is a PG. -Robert Palmer
