Abbot Academy is no longer Andover’s ugly little stepsister. The two academies finalized their long-awaited merger last Wednesday, making Andover something called a “coeducational institution.” This rather unorthodox educational system, typically seen at public schools and the majority of private schools and colleges, is a highly foreign concept to most of us here at Andover. However, based on the intelligence gathered here at The Newsly Times, what it means is that we get to go to school with chicks. An excited student speaking on behalf of the entire student body said, “Gee whiz, thanks Headmaster Sizer, it’s about [expletive deleted] time.” While speaking at Thursday evening’s gala commemorating the merger, Headmaster Sizer issued a warning to all male students, saying “the administration, the Board of Trustees, and this guy [points to self with two thumbs] urge all the gentlemen at Phillips Academy to keep it in their pants.” “We understand how tempting it can be to expose yourself to your new friends,” he added. “But please, we beg you all to exercise restraint.” Most students are enthused about the merger, generally agreeing that the addition of girls with be beneficial to daily life on Academy Hill. “The only other girl I’ve ever seen in person in my mom,” said William Chatner ’73, “so this whole merger thing is really exciting for me. For some reason, I’m getting really excited, sometimes right in the middle of class. At first I was startled, but our house counselor showed us a film about our changing bodies last night, and it said this ‘excitement’ I’ve been experiencing is perfectly natural and a common part of growing up. So I understand what’s going on now.” The majority of students are also excited about the differences girls will bring to the school’s social scene. “On Saturday nights, we usually just sit around and watch sports,” said Kirk V. Captain ’73, “It’s not that weird at first, but after a while everyone just starts to awkwardly stare at each other, walk around aimlessly and mutter strange phrases to themselves. It just gets uncomfortable. This merger is a blessing for all of us.” However, some PA students are concerned about the inevitable changes that will result from females being added to the community, specifically relating to academics. “Usually, we all just fart, do LSD and crack dirty jokes in class,” said Leonard Dimoy ’74, “but now that’s going to change. Apparently we’re going to start ‘learning stuff.’ Leonard Dimoy doesn’t ‘learn stuff.’ That’s not what Leonard Dimoy came here to do.” Some debate has also emerged over what the two schools should do to physically commemorate the merger. A number of proposals have been brought up to the community, but at this point, the proposal to erect a statue in front of Pearson Hall is the most widely approved proposition. Preliminary designs of the statue display two circular objects skewed diagonally atop a long shaft that penetrates into the ground, surrounded by bushes arranged in a circle. Many people want to know exactly what this statue depicts or symbolizes. Headmaster Sizer explained, “It’s supposed to look like the neck of a giraffe, because I think giraffes are beautiful animals, and this was a beautiful merger. But seriously, it’s supposed to look like a penis.”
