In the past fortnight, dovens of Andover students living on Salem Street have been accused of witchcraft. The Devil Containment Committee, also known as the DC Committee, has been holding trials in the tunnel between Morse and Pearson. So far, 13 people have been tried, and 666 have been found guilty and ex-spelled. The Illuminati, however, claims to have no involvement whatsoever. Hmmmm.
Reports of witchery detail sightings of Andover students stewing and brewing potions in Gelb, entrancing classmates with magical compositions in Graves and learning incantations in Pearson. One description even claimed to have seen a student flying too high (this infraction was so wicked that the student got stoned).
Theories about this recent influx of witches have been spreading faster than smallpox. The most popular accusation relates the spread of magic to the peanut butter spread in Paresky Commons, which has led to the prohibition of peanut butter and jelly sandwitches. Other conspiracies include that writing the History 310 paper has made students literally fly off the handle of their broomsticks. Others still claim that one Junior asked a genie for unlimited wishes, but was misunderstood as asking for unlimited witches.
In order to test for witchiness, the DC Committee forced accused students to pull two all-nighters in a row without coffee. If they successfully stayed awake for the next whole day of classes, they were found guilty and required to join Gunga FIT until the witchery was exorcised out of them. If the trial was inconclusive, prospie witches were burnt at the steak in the stir-fry line.
“I don’t understand why I was accused,” interjected Germione Hanger ’16. “All I did was get a 100 percent on my spelling test. Since then it’s been a blur; now I’m really tired and signed up for Gunga FIT!” Regrettably, Hanger was able to medex herself, having suffered shinsplinters on her broom. Somehow, Hanger still does not consider herself a witch.
“We have a new Blind Magician policy, which enables us to track down witches from every quarter, no matter where they’re hiding,” boasts DC RepresentativeCruella M’dieval. “Currently, we’re in the middle of trying a couple. Students claim the male made a sign for his girl-fiend saying, ‘Voodoo like to go to Prom with me?’ This was an obvious reference to the dark magic gathering known as Prom. She would have flown free, but when she responded ‘Owl see you there’ mysteriously, we knew they were both culpable. We’re hoping that these two will be some of the last magical students we find, but that may be witchful thinking.”
The paranoia floating around Salem Street is so pervasive that even the most human of us have been accused. Well, perhaps not the most human, but definitely the least witchy: Gunga himself was almost put on trial. The DC Committee thought for a minute that it wasn’t a live gorilla in a football jersey, but was actually a student in a costume. They were dead wrong of course. What a heinous, unbelievable assertion.
These assertions show no sign of slackening, just like everybody’s tensions this Upper spring!
