Camp Employee: Hello! Thanks for stopping by the booth! Can I interest you in some candy while I tell you about some amazing opportunities waiting for you? Student: Of course. But, what do I need to sign up for? Camp Employee: Well, we are piloting a couple of camps this year. Student: Wait, what kinds of candies do you have? Camp Employee: Peeps. And I might still have some Twinkies in the back I could grab. Student: Alright, I am all for new things. Let’s break out the Twinkies… You don’t have any milk by chance, do you? Camp Employee: No. But what I can tell you is that the first camp is made for ninjas. Student: Well, I have always considered becoming a ninja…That or a pastry chef…Wait, where’s my milk? Camp Employee: I am sorry, but something tells me you are not…hmmm…how do I put this…ninja-worthy. Student: Ninja worthy? How can I prove myself? Camp Employee: You would have to prove your stealth to us… Sir, sir, where did you go? Hello? Sir, there you are. Now, would you mind getting out from under the table? This is absolutely ridiculous. There isn’t even a tablecloth. We can see you! Plus, that is where we hide the real ninjas, and you are invading their personal space. Student: What real ninjas? I don’t see them under here. Camp Employee: Exactly. Student: Alright, well then, if I’m unfit for ninja camp, what are my other options? Camp Employee: Maybe you could do a community service project this summer? Help out at a homeless shelter? Student: Sorry, I’m hobophobic. Camp Employee: What?! That is terrible in so many ways! How could you be afraid of hobos? Okay then, what else are you interested in? Student: I actually play football. Camp Employee: You? Football? A short, fat boy like you? Student: Fine, I’m really just the waterboy. Camp Employee: That explains it. Well, we do offer a fat camp as well. Student: Oh, no thanks. I have too much muscle mass for that. And too much dignity, for that matter… Camp Employee: Wait, what did you say your name was again? Student: Mortimer Goldburg. Camp Employee: Oh, we already have you signed up for fat camp this summer! Student: What?! I never signed up though, and was not planning on it. Camp Employee: Nope, we have your name and credit card number here so you are already paid for. Lucky you! Student: This is terrible! Who could have signed me up for fat camp? I blame the ninjas, those sly– Camp Employee: Don’t get too worked up about this. It was actually a joint effort by your roommate, house counselor and a couple of Commons workers. So fat camp it is! Student: The Commons workers? But I thought we were friends?! Camp Employee: Let’s just say they heard about your “chocolate-chips in the waffle maker escapades” and were not amused. Hey, where are you going? Wait! Hey, don’t run away! And put down the box of Twinkies! -Emily Adler
