In a recent campus controversy, an anonymous employee of the Addison Gallery of American Art directed an insult towards the Peabody Museum of Archaeology. “Hey Peabody, you guys suck!” were the exact words of the employee, witnesses say. While seemingly unprovoked, the inflammatory remarks were actually the product of a long-lasting bitter rivalry between the two campus museums. “When you think about it, the Peabody does kind of suck,” said a Lower. “I mean, I’ve never even been in that building except for that one History-100 class. I’m pretty sure its not even open to the public most of the time.” Deborah Cummings, the front desk secretary of the Addison, has been conducting a private survey, which all 84 of last year’s visitors participated. “The numbers prove that the majority of our community here wants to turn the Peabody into a McDonalds.” Cummings said. “With a play place too. How sweet would that be?” Unfortunately for the Addison, the survey also showed that one fourth of the Addison’s survey’s participants were their janitors, who receive a hefty wage of 17 dollars an hour compared to the 16 made at the Peabody. In addition, one half of the participants were hired actors who are paid to walk through the Addison to make it look occupied. In terms of the other one fourth of participants, the survey showed that exactly 27 percent of the visitors liked the Peabody more than the Addison. Those liking the Peabody stated that their main reasons have to do with the environment of the Addison. This view was shared by Chaz MacNaughton ’08 who wrote, “At least when I go in the Peabody, I don’t want to shoot all the people who actually find it interesting.” In response to the statement from the Addison, Peabody 24-year veteran Billy Joe, the head security guard known for his one eye and lack of manners, shot back saying: “Shut up or I’ll cut you.” This comment nearly sparked the largest Addison-Peabody showdown in years, but a physical brawl never came into existence due to the fact that not one Addison staff member showed up. “Come on, it’s our paintings against their rocks and dinosaur bones. Plus, a few of them own suits of armor. I even heard that Billy Joe fights on horseback. It just wouldn’t be fair,” one Addison staff member complained. Billy Joe had already passed out from bad ventilation in the hastily assembled suit of armor he donned in preparation for battle, and thus was unable to comment on the validity of this statement.The rest of the Peabody staff were still somewhat conscious. They vented their anger over a few bottles of wine, aged since 402 A.D., taken from the stash in the Peabody basement. “Addison rhymes with Madison, and he was a two-bit president! Ha! Proof that you suck! But Peabody sounds kinda like Clinton, and he got mad girls clinging to him! Boo-yah!” “Oh wow, man. I never thought about that! It’s so like… like… like… uh… oh my God I’m so out of it, man! Hahahah! Dude, mind if I puke on you?” commented another employee. As a result, the Peabody decided to conduct its own survey on the Addison, a survey that surprisingly produced very different results. While again over 75 percent of the participants were employees, the quarter that disliked it were simply kids who had suspected it was dedicated to the town in coastal Massachusetts where they were born. Some left the museum in tears due to the fact that such a horrible museum could be in any way associated with such a great town. “I used to love Peabody, MA, but now I’m embarrassed to live there! I think that if we don’t move, I will seriously hurt myself,” one museum-goer said as he simultaneously filled the comment box at the front of the room with goldfish, making sure that his opinion was the only one that mattered. While the rift between the Addison and Peabody continues to grow, neither museum seems to be pulling away in terms of popularity. Commented Rita, a bookkeeper at the Peabody museum, “It looks like people enjoy the ‘Birth of the Cool’ just as little as ‘Birth of the Dinosaurs,’ and it will probably stay that way until either museum can draw visitors in without putting them to sleep.”
