The Features Section is not behind on child-support payments. Tiffany is a liar. We are not the father. The Features Section is not Glenn Beck. We’re not that funny. The Features Section is not eggplant. We’re only served once a week. The Features Section is not a sex hot line. But call us some time. The Features Section is not the most read section in the newspaper. Just kidding. We’re awesome. The Features Section is not your father. We’re still here. The Features Section is not the Twilight Saga. But teenage girls love us. The Features Section is not your report card. Although both provoke laughter and the occasional backhand. The Features Section is not currently taken… Ladies? The Features Section is not on the Crew team. When we get in a boat with eight muscly men in spandex, rowing is the last thing on our mind. The Features Section is not Inception. We try not to make you think. The Features Section is not LeBron James. We won’t be taking our talents to arts—ever. The Features Section is not the Pope. But we do talk to God. The Features Section is not your boyfriend. We won’t hook up with your skanky best friend 37 minutes after our break up. The Features Section is not Barbara Chase, but we do love haikus and dramatic pauses. The Features Section is not a Democratic Senator. We’ll be back next year. The Features Section is not the state of Arizona. Our racism is subtle. The Features Section is not the Westboro Church Group. We love everyone. Except arts. The Features Section is not a mosque near Ground Zero. But terrorists do fund us. The Features Section is not a catholic priest. The Pope isn’t lying to cover for us. The Features Section is not your college counselor. We actually have mild expectations for you. The Features Section is not the Bush Administration. We understand basic economics. The Features Section is not your freshman-year roommate. We don’t smell of week-old Golden Chopsticks. The Features Section is not your neglecting Blue Key. We care about you. Sort of. The Features Section is not the Pink Elephant Gentlemen’s Club. Although we’re not that classy, either. The Features Section is not Ms. Teen South Carolina. We know that Americans can’t locate our country on a map because they are ignorant…. So we will be able to build up our future. The Features Section is not Harvard. Our rejections are free and don’t require an application. The Features Section is not ABC’s Lost. When we finish, you’re satisfied. The Features Section is not Justin Bieber. Features is a clear-cut gender: 100% MAN. The Features Section is not McDonald’s. We have half the trans-fat and double the creepy clowns. The Features Section is not Cali Swag District. We don’t know this Dougie or how to do him. The Features Section is not subterranean. We prefer being on top. The Features Section is not funny. That was a joke. Funny, right? The Features Section is not cool. We’re ice cold. The Features Section is not for the use of firearms. We never use protection. The Features Section is not a donkey. We may be jackasses but we’re people. The Features Section is not a freshman. We’re cool. The Features Section is not a bad haircut. You won’t regret us after. 😉 The Features Section is not The Situation. We won’t take advantage of you. The Features Section is not your stepfather. We actually love you. The Features Section is not Chris Brown. But don’t come near us when we’re angry. The Features Section is not the Chilean miners. We saw daylight yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that… Features is not a box of chocolates. We’re more like a mailbox. Filled with stuff. Stuff that’s mail. The Features Section is not News. We don’t suck. The Features Section is not Commentary. We don’t suck. The Features Section is not Sports. We don’t suck. The Features Section is not Arts. We don’t suck a lot. The Features Section is not Katy Perry. We only came in second on Maxim’s Hot 100. I guess we aren’t Andover alum Olivia Wilde either then. The Features Section is not a Blue Key Leader. We know Acadeny isn’t a word. The Features Section is not Kanye West. Although we do know Cassius Clay, dressing absurdly is not a quality we pride ourselves on. The Features Section is not happy. We’re very disappointed in you, son. Very disappointed. The Features Section is not Rick Astley. Our dance moves are inferior to his and we tend to give up very readily.
