9:00 AM Just got a call from school. Apparently I’m supposed to be doing some chaperone thing for some new kids. They said it’s part of my job as a Blue Key. I was told that I’m the only one who hasn’t shown up, that I’m a disgrace to everything that Andover stands for and that I’d better get my lazy butt up to campus. So, here I lay in bed weighing my options. Do I get up and fulfill my duties as a Blue Key, or do I forget orientation and get a couple extra hours of sleep? Decisions, Decisions. 9:15 AM Still in bed. I can honestly say this is one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I’m just so comfortable. My brain wants to get up but the rest of my body doesn’t. Stupid brain. You’re so evil. 9:45 AM Definitely should have stayed in bed. I was introduced to the kids in my group, sadly. We played some sort of name game that I made up to waste some time. This particular game involves closing your eyes so I can flirt with the hot new girls. 10:00 AM Since I missed out on all the kids’ names, and, honestly, just don’t care to know what they are, I made up some nicknames. First there is Lefty, who isn’t actually a lefty. I don’t really know who he’s trying to impress but ever since I made that name up every time I look at him he starts writing with his left hand. And there’s Keanu Reeves. I mean, this kid shows, literally, no emotion. I don’t even think I’ve seen him blink. 11:00 AM We’re in the sanctuary right now doing the ropes course. It’s supposed to be some kind of team building activity but I’ve taken it to a whole new level. Nothing will test their teamwork more than climbing the Giant’s Latter without a harness. I’ll be throwing sharp rocks at them to in order to test their agility and the toughness of their bones. 12:00 PM Lunch time. It’s been pretty uneventful besides the fact that Keanu is allergic to peanut butter. So, of course, I had to slip some into his turkey sandwich when he wasn’t looking. His face swelled up to about the size of a beachball. Also, it was hilarious to see Lefty struggling to cut his steak with his left hand. Keanu still creeps me out, even more now that his face looks like a mutated tomato. 11:53 PM The last time I saw the kids was around 3, when Keanu’s lungs supposedly swelled as a result of the peanut butter he ate earlier. I don’t believe him. That kid is a better actor than Keanu Reeves will ever be. Man, what a day. -Greg Hanafin
