Alex Rodriguez’s discolored, steroid-infested urine went to the highest online bidder this past week in an under the table deal between MLB Commissioner Bud Selig and an anonymous buyer. Selig, who operates under the online nickname JuicedPee2003, has apparently been selling tainted MLB urine samples since steroid investigations began a few years ago. When asked about the incident, Selig responded, “You’ll have to wait and talk to my lawyer.” Upon being contacted, Selig’s lawyer shot back, “My client is the guy to talk to.” In an email from the buyer, who uses the online nickname RoidRageous13, no specifics were named, but it was confirmed that the 6 ounce cup of pee is, in fact, under private ownership. “A-Rod’s neon, yet sterile urine rests in a glass case above my fireplace,” said the anonymous buyer. “It’s right next to my collection of Mark McGwire’s syringes and Terry Francona’s chewed tobacco.” A-Rod, who is vacationing in Florida with his wife and numerous 18-year-old blondes, could not be reached for comment. In the 2003 anonymous drug test, 104 players tested positive for steroids, Rodriguez being one of them. Until Selig’s recent financial struggles, the results had remained anonymous, but Selig felt the need to take advantage of his access to some of the world’s most valuable urine, which rests right in a box beneath his bed. “Bud’s house was going into foreclosure, and he felt the need to take advantage of the only thing that could save him— his secret pee-pee box. He did a random choice, happened to pick A-Rod’s urine, and now we’re here,” commented a source close to the league unwilling to be named. When called for comment as to the validity of the reports on the urine, A-Rod’s personal trainer refused to speak, only stating, “The guy has a nice body. Freakin’ sweet buns.” Due to a lack of willing commenters, sources remotely close to A-Rod, yet completely unimportant and irrelevant, were contacted. “He is a fan of my green gentlemen’s gel,” commented Rodriguez’s longtime barber and local gossip pal Louie, “he also has a brother with a summer place off the coast of Maine—good guy, his brother. He dated little Jennie Henderson for awhile I think. Cute couple.” A-Rod’s pedicurist, while having many nice things to say about the man himself, was far less impressed with his feet. “They are stinky like poo. And his nails are yellow and slimy. That little brown monster from those toenail infection commercials definitely lives in his toenails.” Despite the irrelevance of these comments, investigators hope to use them in working towards finding a solution to the MLB’s steroid problem. When asked about the lack of comments, an high-ranking MLB official responded, “I don’t want to say much, but I will say that we are looking to get more comments. That’s it. No more comments about comments”
