Beanbag Chairs Pellet-filled sacks would be a huge hit with the students in our community who are destined to be thirty-somethings living in their parents’ basements. These beanbag chairs would come pre-covered in Dorito crumbs and would have bright pink synthetic leather covers. While these beanbag chairs might not be exceptionally comfortable or practical, after seeing the sample chairs in UnCommons, I’m convinced that our school can’t do much worse. Most of the chairs we have so far resemble the 70s-era furniture in my grandmother’s attic—the furniture she couldn’t sell for ten cents at her yard sale. Seats from a 1988 Chevy Astro Van If we already have disgusting-looking “retro” chairs in UnCommons, why not rip out the cloth seats from 1988 Chevy Astros and plop them in the middle of the new Ryley Room? This is a good idea because it melds the new and old Ryley Room together seamlessly. On one hand, we can get both the retro feel we are seeking for the new Ryley, and for a blast from the old Ryley, we could once again sit in odd-smelling, dirty cloth seats. But they aren’t just any old seats—they’re all from a 1988 Chevy Astro van! All right! NASCAR Collector’s Edition Chairs Who wants boring chairs that all look the same? No one. Instead, why don’t we sink our teeth into some NASCAR collector Edition chairs? These are surprisingly cost effective, available for $2.95 each at select Wal-Mart locations. Plus, as an added bonus, the entire set features all drivers on the Sprint Cup circuit and costs a measly 99 bucks! That’s quite the bargain! Additionally, students could have the option of sitting in the seat of their favorite driver, which bodes well for well known drivers like Tony Stewart and Jimmie Johnson, but not so much for the people no one knows about, like Michael McDowell or Regan Smith. The Whoa Dude, Totally Trippin’ Chairs One hundred-gazillion dollar award for anyone who can find a chair better than this one! Having only made 500 chairs in this model, PA is offering the financial aid grants of over 100 incoming students and laying off the whole art department simply for the right to negotiate with Kobayashi “Chair Man” Mitsubishidealer, the heavenly chair’s creator. I sat down in one of these bad boys with two gallons of Tang and woke up four months later naked and seeing only orange. What an experience. The “Wooden” Chairs Soft, gentle, elegant and made of wood, this Commons chair is sure to pack your fanny full of pleasure! Resting on four legs and boasting a seat that will be talked about for years to come, this chair weighs in at a very light two and a half pounds, making it perfect to throw at little children and bench press. Hand-crafted by unknown, tiger-like creatures in the midst of the Amazon, these chairs are of the highest possible quality. They are sure to leave your cheeks wanting more! The Metallic Flatulence Blocker Chairs This technology filled body rester is the first aluminum dining hall chair to hit the market since the Comfy Ruster series back in ’92. While the new model enhances old features such as the leg jets, chair-side blow up friend and built-in nail clippers, it also introduces some new systems, the most anticipated of which is a built in fart enhancer and silencer. You can choose to be the center of attention, the silent farting dude in the corner or the guy who blows everyone up with his monster release of gas. The opportunities are endless, and the consequences are minimal, if any!
