Read this. Your life depends on it. This is a five step guide to a better life and if you don’t read at least steps one through four, you are in danger of being a less-than-mediocre person. So please, don’t not read this, it’s not good. Just look at what happened to me. Step One Go watch a drag show in Las Vegas. The culture is amazing, enriching and totally fantabulous! Plus, I got so many compliments on my figure from so many strangers. You leave there thinking that those guys you met at that bar were almost too nice – that if they were women, you would’ve been sure they were hitting on you or something. Nah. Step Two Be the apple of someone’s eye. This is simple and probably the easiest step of the five. Just fall in love with someone, get them to adore you, and then get hitched (or whatever you kids say these days). It’s not a big deal, my uncle’s done it like five times, and he couldn’t get past step one, so I’m sure you can handle this. Step Three Go find two different kinds of large-ish animals (one should be a pig), make them fight each other in a cage, and charge your neighbors a dollar a piece to watch. You can even get a betting pool started! This is one of the more important steps. I’ll tell you why in an e-mail right after you send a picture of you, another picture of your two animals fighting, and a third picture of one of your friends crying (preferably because they bet their house on the pig and the pig lost) to phillipian@andover.edu. Now keep reading – your life is still in danger! Step Four Sleep late and party hard. Now, before you guys start sending me letters about how this is unhealthy, I’d like to point out that I know about that Benjamin Franklin guy, and I know about his little saying, the one that goes “early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” But going by your rhyme scheme logic, Mr. Franklin, shouldn’t that also mean that late to sleep and late to wake makes men fit so they can eat cake? And who on this earth doesn’t like to eat cake, Mr. Franklin? I’ll tell you who doesn’t – communists! They hate it. Step Five Make a large amount of money. This is the most important step of all. I know I said earlier that you could get away with reading just steps one through four, but for those of you who read to here – congratulations! You’re not going to live on the streets! Now you can walk the paths or go to work confident that you will lead a better-than-average life and you can smile and nod at those jerks who didn’t finish reading my five-step guide. Go ahead, buy another copy of this newspaper, go to Starbucks tonight, and live it up, because you know how to be happy. Disclaimer: Reading this does not in any way guarantee that you will make any money. Sorry.
