Here is the story with All-School Meeting. You can’t not go. You can’t be late. You can’t cruise around looking for your friends to sit with. You can’t wear a hat. You can’t talk. You can’t text. You can’t eat. You can’t see the stage unless you’re right in the middle, and there are no seats left in the middle. You can’t not slide over, even if you want to save seats for your friends You can’t not listen, even if the talk doesn’t interest you – that’s rude. You can’t listen to the whole thing even if it does interest you – it goes on too long. You can’t slide down in the seat because there’s nowhere to anchor your knees. You can’t not slide down because the seat’s slippery. You can’t lie down. You can’t flop all over the person next to you. You can’t not flop all over the person next to you because you are squished in the pew. You can’t not squish into the backpack next to you, even if there’s something pointy in it. You can’t wear your iPod. You can’t wear sunglasses. You can’t chew gum. You can’t unwrap crinkly cough drop wrappers. You can’t cough if someone near you is already coughing. You can’t examine the call history on your phone. You can’t play miniature games on it, even if they don’t make any sounds. You can’t put the phone on vibrate – you must turn it “off.” You can’t stare at someone for a long time; they’ll feel it and turn around. You can’t fall asleep. You can’t stay asleep even if you nod off because there’s nowhere to rest your head. You can’t shout. You can’t whisper. You can’t roll your eyes and let your seatmates know you’re dying. You can’t get the giggles. You can’t try to make someone else get the giggles. You can’t flirt. You can’t dig around in your backpack. You can’t do your homework. You can’t pass notes. You can’t braid your friend’s hair. You can’t hold your friend’s hand. You can’t kiss and make out. You can’t make disparaging sounds at the speaker. You can’t applaud after certain types of music. You can’t not applaud after everything else – that’s impolite. You can’t cheer. You can’t stand up. You can’t not stand up if there’s a standing ovation – that’s lame. You can’t stop your butt from falling asleep. You can’t stop your mind from wandering. AND EVEN SO: You can’t not find some things interesting. You can’t not find some things fascinating. You can’t not get goose bumps from the music. You can’t not feel connected to your pals sitting all around you in the pews with all their silky, shiny multi-colored hair. You can’t not be grateful for the light in the windows. You can’t not be happy to be safe and surrounded. You can’t not be proud of yourself for sitting like a lady or a gentleman. You can’t not feel like someone in a movie, someone charming, someone with a touch of graciousness, someone who belongs in a soaring chapel overlooked by angels, someone disciplined enough to sit like a lady or a gentleman through the long 45 minutes of All-School Meeting. You can’t understand what mustering that much poise does to you now, to your future, to your success and your sense of self.
