Being an ambassador has not been the simplest task of my 43 years on this planet. During my fledgling days, I was sent to countries like Canada, El Salvador, and Mexico for intricate trade matters. However, it was last year that I was actually sent somewhere important to blossom that ever-so-delicate tulip that is diplomacy. Swaziland is a small landlocked country located within South Africa. Within this minute spec of land is an important resource, diazolidinyl urea, found in the urine of the local night flyer, the Bill Cosby Bat. Diazolidinyl urea is an important ingredient in hair gel. The series premiere of “8th & Ocean” has increased hair gel sales 1300% from last year, turning this once abundant resource into a scarce commodity that is expected to rival petroleum in economic importance by the year 2008. My year in Swaziland proved to be one of the most difficult, yet rewarding, experiences of my life. When I first arrived, I was greeted by a military escort. However, the soldiers were armed with squirt guns, which were the only weapons effective against the vicious heat. I was taken to the local embassy, which was a tent made from zebra hides surrounded by a circle of salt for protection against any evil spirits that might try to attack me during my stay. During the next week I would try to establish diplomatic ties with the country’s king, Donkey Kong. He had been running a brutal dictatorship for the past 25 years when he overthrew the previous dictator, Ashley Simpson. The throne chamber was filled with explosive barrels, remnants from the bloody coup. After an intense discussion, King Kong told me he would reveal the secret location of the bat for 1/18th the American gross national product in bananas. Being the son of a used car salesmen, the businessman that slept inside the halls of my mind was suddenly stirred, and I began to barter with the ape. Soon it was 1/24th, then 1/60th; soon it was down to 5 bananas. During the rest of my stay in Swaziland I became good friends with a number of the natives, including an eccentric hippopotamus named Stanley and Kinta Kuntae, a skillful safari tour guide. Kinta took me on one of his semi- famous safaris, during which I was able to witness the local animals perform a sterling rendition of the Lion King’s “Circle of Life.” Amongst them I was able to spot a human, who was later revealed to be Dave Chappelle on a spiritual soul search, or in other words, making everyone in the civilized world hate him for not making a third season. Diplomacy has always proved to be challenging. However with the right attitude one can accomplish any task of matter with an industrious attitude. My year in Swaziland proved to be a difficult, yet rewarding experience, and I encourage any young men or women interested in politics to consider the exciting field of diplomacy.
