In a bold, unexpected move from the Admissions Office, the undersea empire of Atlantis has been named as the newest stop on Phillips Academy’s new student recruitment initiative. Head of School Barbara Chase will pay her first visit to Atlantis starting next year in hopes of reaching out to the aquatic mutant population of the world. Adding to her already extensive list of foreign countries, Chase will submerge in search for the lost continent as a part of her the new recruitment initiative, dubbed “The Mountain Dew Code Red Extreme Prospective Student Extravaganzapalooza 2008 World Tour.” “After extensive meetings with the Board of Trustees, admissions officers and faculty, we are incredibly excited to announce that we are adding the lost empire of Atlantis as a new stop to the Extravaganzapalooza tour next fall.” said a visibly ecstatic Chase. “I’m confident in the fact that we will be able to find plenty of ‘stick-to-it-ive’ prospective mutant students who will embody the spirit of our school, gills and all.” Ms. Chase went on to add, “We are also very excited to work closely with our tour’s sponsor, Mountain Dew. I think that they will help us give off that totally extreme, mutant vibe—the kind that prospective students will be able to feel through their internal air sacs.” The expansion of the tour is a part of the school’s yearlong Strategic Plan, which states, “The school should adhere to the ideals outlined in the mission statement of offering admission to Youth from Every Quarter, which includes prospective students from faraway lands, mythical continents, and/or aquatic civilizations…” Atlantis is just one of 15 stops on the recruitment tour, which was updated with the intent to further diversify the Andover student body. Other destinations that will be visited annually include Mordor, Narnia, and Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. This new student recruitment initiative has been met with some opposition, as some critics of the trip claim that Atlantis is a fictional place, or in other words, one that does not exist. “Atlantis? Really? Come on,” said Dr. “Smitty” J. Dubois, a member of the Board of Trustees. “I can understand Narnia, Willy Wonka’s Factory and Mordor, those places are obviously real. But Atlantis? Seriously, there’s no way that that’s a real place.” “Look, I know that Atlantis is a real place,” responded Chase, “I saw that animated movie about it. It’s about this guy named Milo who knows that Atlantis is real, even though everyone he talks to thinks he’s crazy. Then some old guy just gives him a submarine and he finds it. Boom, just like that. Why would anyone lie about that?” Some other critics contend that even if Atlantis were a real place, the recruitment possibilities would be minimal because its mutant residents would lack the ability to survive out of water. In response to these critics, Chase issued a public statement, in which she wrote, “Umm, hello? Rabbit Pond? Why else would it be there?” In general, students have mixed feelings about the new tour stop. “I thought she was visiting that resort Atlantis in the Bahamas, like, for a vacation or something,” said Stephanie Jefferson ’09. “So when I found out it was the undersea empire Atlantis, I was disappointed. I sort of expected her to bring us back some t-shirts that said, ‘Someone who loves me very much went to Atlantis and bought me this t-shirt’. That would’ve been so cool.” Other students, like Wellington Jackson ’10, are more optimistic. “You know, after a while, the students we have from 47 states and 23 countries start to get boring. Having some aquatic mutant students here would make a huge difference, especially for the swim team. Plus, after this, we might not have every commentary article and ASM speaker talk about diversity. It would be a nice change.” The tour will begin on October 26th of next year in Oompa Loompa Land and it will conclude on November 17th in Pierre, South Dakota. Tickets are starting at just $5 and can be purchased online through Ticketmaster.
