Dear Fitz, My boyfriend and I have been having problems ever since he made varsity hockey. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like he is no longer interested in our relationship. What should I do to fix it? -Replaced For Pucks Dear Anonymous Loser, Unfortunately, your boyfriend’s new varsity hockey jacket has made him much more desirable to girls. He has most likely been seeing a better looking and more popular girl on the side while he thinks of the best way to break up with you. My advice to you is to either continue writing letters to a newspaper advice columnist and hope that he solves your pathetic problems for you, or you can find a guy on the JV hockey team, because evidently, you are not good enough to date a varsity athlete. Dear Fitz, Due to a recent family tragedy involving my goldfish and a defective blender, I have begun to pick up a nasty drug habit. I don’t know what to do because I feel unstable without them. I know that this isn’t the real me. What’s your advice? -Meth Dear Person I Care Little About, Drug use is a common problem with many under-educated children these days; don’t feel bad about it. I believe that becoming a druggie is the best road for you. There is really no turning back at this point, and those unstable feelings that are pent up inside of you are bound to stay with you and drag you down until you give in to drugs anyway. You should look forward to your future of shooting up in grimy bathroom stalls and continuously disappointing your family and friends. Dear Fitz, My family has a tradition of eating Thanksgiving dinner together and inviting all of our relatives, both close and distant. Everyone was invited—until this year. This year, I didn’t receive a phone call inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner, so I was a bit shocked. Although they did know how busy I am since I decided that college was not the right route for me, I still don’t know whether or not to call next year and ask myself over. -Daddi Issuez Dear Cry Baby, Well, my first question to you would be if you have any siblings. If you do, then chances are that they are outshining you. They most likely have a better career than you and your parents are ashamed and embarrassed by your less successful career choice, as well as their poor job raising you. Your parents probably didn’t even mean to have you, and I’m sure they have resented the extra time and money they spent on your private school education. Then, you repaid them by dropping out of college. Not sending an invitation is their way of showing disappointment. My advice to you is to abandon your family and spend your life as a roadie on the Jonas Brothers’ Canadian tour. Hey Fitz, Lately, I have been having some trouble academically in school and I don’t know what to do. It is upper winter, so I am supposed to struggle a bit, right? Should I get a peer tutor, or maybe start to meet with my teachers more often? -Struggling Tyke Dear Idiot, If you’re having trouble academically, then the first thing that you should always do is give up. You’re dumb, and besides, you can never go wrong by just simply calling it quits. Maybe school just isn’t right for you. Not everyone is supposed to grow up, have an education, a family, or a working income. Do you have any family on a farm or somewhere were the work is very simple? Or maybe you could clean the urinals at the Outback Steak House down the road. There are tons of possibilities for people like you. So don’t worry, you might be fine. Probably not, actually, but maybe. Disclaimer: All advice given by Fitz is so trusted and supportive, that we ask all with a heart condition or inhabited uterus to refrain from reading this advice column. -Ricky Goldstein and Colton Dempsey
