Unless you live under a rock and feed off of earthworms, you would know that this week marked the all-important date of Super Tuesday, when more than 20 states held their primary elections. I have been trying to get an interview going with the top candidates for some time, and last week I extended my invitations for them to meet with me. Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney and John McCain quickly responded with a yes, although Hillary insisted that our interview take place at either a local Burger King or Pottery Barn. Also, Mike Huckabee returned our invitation along with a bag of cat food. Here is how our interview played out: The Phillipian: Thank you so much Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney and John McCain for joining me today for this interview. So let’s get right into things, shall we? Hillary, how do you… Clinton: I’m Hillary Clinton. The Phillipian: Yes…we know that. Now how will you… Clinton: And I approve this message. The Phillipian: OK…how about you let me finish the questions? How do you plan to pay for the universal health care program which you have been pitching for the past several months? Clinton: Yes, we need a universal health care program. (Clinton bursts into tears) The people are tired of rising health care bills and unaffordable prescriptions! Especially the strong-hearted women of this country! No man can ever feel a woman’s pain! I’d like to see any one of these candidates in this room give birth to a baby! Actually, let me take that back. That’d be gross. The Phillipian: Thank you…for that wonderful speech… But you didn’t answer my question. Our national debt is over nine trillion dollars. How are you going to pay for a health care program like this? Clinton: (she stares blindly into space before regaining focus) I’m Hillary Clinton, and I… The Phillipian: OK thank you Hillary. Let’s move on to Mitt Romney. Now Mr. Romney, I know that our nation recently saw the death of… Romney: I know, it was tragic; he was so smart and so young. His death shook our nation to its core. (Now sobbing emphatically) God, Heath Ledger why did you have to leave us! The Phillipian: Oh… I was talking about the death of Gordon Hinckley, the former leader of the Mormon religion. He died two weeks ago. Romney: Who the heck is that? He’s not as important as that gorgeous Heath Ledger. (Still wailing) The Phillipian: Ok, how about we move on to Mr. Obama? How are you doing today? Obama: I’m fine, thank you. The Phillipian: Wonderful. I would like to discuss your plans of national energy. You talk a lot about reducing our dependency on foreign oil. How do you plan to do this? Obama: We have a number of different political and economic influences at our disposal to curb our oil consumption, but our main priority is to create new revolutionary power plants in the United States that don’t run on fossil fuels. The Phillipian: That’s amazing! How will these plants work and what will they run on? Obama: The power plants will run on heat from a fire, just like oil plants do, except we will use the most abundant, renewable resource Washington has at its disposal: your tax dollars! The Phillipian: Excuse me, what? Obama: That’s right. We will throw tax dollars into our boilers to create heat, which we will then use for electricity. Don’t you see? The Phillipian: You basically just told me that if I vote for you, you will take my tax dollars and light them on fire. Obama: What’s the big deal? Washington has been doing this for years. We use tax dollar fires to warm the White House, boil our water, and heat our swimming pools that we never use! The Phillipian: Well, at least I now know who I’m not going to vote for. Let’s speak with our final candidate, John McCain. Wait a second, where did he go? McCain: (Sitting in a corner twitching while softly singing a Backstreet Boys song) The Phillipian: Mr. McCain, are you alright? McCain: Make them stop it… Stop talking… No, I won’t do it… Leave me alone! (Convulsing) The Phillipian: Mr. McCain, who are you talking to? McCain: The voices in my head. They wants the precious! (At that moment two large men in white lab coats began injecting McCain with his daily medication) The Phillipian: Well, thank you all so much for coming and talking with me. Your time is very important, and you have really opened my eyes to who I should vote for, or rather, who I shouldn’t vote for.
