After a series of embarassing campus intrusions, the Exeter administration has decided to fire the former head of Public Safety and replace him with famous military novelist Tom Clancy. Most students are eager for change after the several ex convicts had been spotted eating in the dining hall. Although some of us could not falling in love with that one crook affectionately nicknamed “Fingerz”, the majority concencus hopes Mr. Clancy will prevent such incidents from happening again. Clancy has already construct a plan known as “Operation Beta Zulu Gamma Fat Duck,” which will increase the efficiency of the security on campus by 300%. In an excerpt from the plan, Clancy lays out the necessary steps that are needed to achieve this goal. “The first step in increasing efficiency is increasing ability. Hence, all PEAPS officers will need equip themselves with automatic M-4 rifles. After curfew is instated, all officers have orders to shoot to kill. The only exception are squirrels, because everyone likes squirrels. Should the target not be eliminated after an initial barrage, continue to use the plasma grenades located in the glove compartment of your amphibious assault vehicles,” he wrote. Clancy’s experience will prove him invaluable to the school when faced with a threat. Should the campus be invaded by an enemy horde, or threatened by an army of sea otters, Clancy will be able to handle the situation. During simulations in the Academy’s holo-deck, Clancy successfully defended the school form the North Korean army with only a rusty spoon and 40 million illegal immigrants. Well done sir, Well done. Clancy will also make several changes to the Red Book. In addition to the martial law that will be instated, Clancy will also aim to change the dress code to army fatigues. So far only one faculty member has voiced any opposition to this plan. His wife and children still miss him to this very day. A new policy will also be created concerning Wild Bill, everyone’s new favorite person on campus. Clancy will allow Bill to be released on Andover Exeter days, as long as every Andover student agrees to wear clothed soaked in barbeque sauce. The Exeter campus is extremely enthusiastic about Mr. Clancy’s presence at The Academy. Students will be able to walk around campus again without having to worry about safety. Well I’ve used up my allotted amount of free speech for the day, and frankly I don’t want to spend another three days in the pit of scorpions. I hope everyone can give Mr. Clancy the warm welcome he has given us.
