I am now writing this from the bomb shelter underneath the giant phallic statue. It’s still too unsafe to try to escape. I will just have to bide my time until PAPS finally stops prowling the grounds, which, if you’ve ever noticed, is never. I guess you’re wondering how I got here. I seem like a straight-laced kind of guy. I don’t seem like the guy who would break rules. Well, that’s what I was during freshman year. My second one. Repeats like James Sawabini ’08, Damian DeSousa ’08, John Gardner ’08, and I noticed at the end of the year that we were older than most of the kids in our grade. At this point, we realized we owned this grade. So after two tries, we finally graduated from the 9th grade and moved on to Lower year with mischievous grins on our faces, not knowing that the administration was keeping a watchful eye on us. The first one of us to be caught was Damian. He was caught going over the strict 1 GB bandwidth limit when he downloaded “Mona Lisa Smile,” “Love Actually,” and various episodes of “Sex and the City” all in one week. Desousa said, “I was just trying to get in touch with my feminine side.” For going over the limit and for bad judgment, he was only given a dean’s rep, but it opened the floodgates for various other monkeyshines. Damian kept up the escapades and landed himself on probation for gambling. Various members of Bishop were having a Roshambo competition, and Damian was taking bets. When a house counselor came up, Damian was standing pant-less and holding wads of cash. After confessing, he was placed on probation for gambling and bad judgment. Later that week, Damian was finally expelled from school when he was found duct taped to the DDR machine in Ryley Room by members of the Varsity football and hockey teams. Because it was after sign-in, he was expelled for violating his probation and for bad judgment. My roommate James Sawabini ’08 was a multiple-offender of many rules such as watching TV down in the common room past sign-in. One time he even signed out to the library but went to Gelb instead. However, he was never caught doing any of these. His good fortune finally ran out when, much to the dismay of Maggie Maffione ’08, he was caught chasing two freshman girls around the quad naked. He was placed on probation for bad judgment and for just being weird. John Gardner ’08 has not been caught for anything. He is a role model for us all. I myself was a culprit of many regulations. You could see me out of my room past 11:00, and I even used my phone for non-work-related conversations during study hours. But after being disturbed by the awkward sounds coming from the room of my next-door neighbor Chris Cahill ’06 and watching BadgerBadgerBadger.com for about four hours straight, I realized I was lonely. I needed someone to have an illegal parietal with, too. During a school trip to the zoo, I finally found my special someone. Her name was Mogo, and she was West African Chimpanzee. Our eyes met and something just clicked. I knew I had to take her away with me. That night, I returned to the zoo with super-double repeat Matt Silva ’07 and MacGuyvered my way into the compound. After a number of close encounters with security guards and a mishap with the leopard (which is why I now have a lazy eye), I was able to rescue my beloved Mogo without causing alarm. I placed him in the back seat and got into Matt’s car. Ironically, it was on the drive back to school which caused my life to be as it is currently. Matt did not fully understand the words “It’s OK, no one saw us,” and took it to mean “Punch it.” But cut him some slack, he’s from Texas. As we peeled out of the parking lot, we were almost immediately stopped by Boston’s finest. I tried to hide Mogo, but she was immediately spotted when she made that farting noise chimps make with their mouth all the time. I knew I was in trouble then. For those of you who don’t know, it is a Massachusetts State Law that one may not have a gorilla in the back seat of one’s car. Even though I tried to explain that it was an ape and not a gorilla, the cop was having none of it. Threatening me with the billieclub, Matt, Mogo, and I got in the cruiser and were driven to school. I knew I was going to be expelled. Not having a day excuse, being in a car without permission, and breaking a state law were adding up to expulsion. Knowing I would be taken away from Mogo if I were ever expelled, I knew I had to make a run for it. I had to leave my family and my friends behind in hopes of a better life with Mogo. If all works out, we will spend our days on Dan Gabel’s ’06 private island together. But until then, the penis statue is our only refuge. I now have to go pick the lice and other various insects from Mogo’s scalp.
