The Phillips Exeter Academy cattle farm: a key fixture in the daily life of every Exeter student. Flowery smells drift into the quad as students and faculty walk to class. The supply of fresh beef, freshly butchered by Academy students, keeps us full and supple. The whole population goes to good use; one of the duties of freshman is to care for the young calves
In a sad turn of events, the Academy administration arbitrarily decided to move the cattle farm from its current location just in front of Phillips Hall, the focal point of campus. Exeter’s cows, bulls and calves will be making their new home in Exeter’s Phelps Stadium.
The stadium was chosen as the new location because the large walls of the stadium help to contain the cattle and help the smell from overwhelming campus. It will also prevent overzealous students from spending “too much time” with the cows. Students and faculty are outraged that their friendly former cohabitants will be so far from their hearts.
The cows were moved to prevent students from deriving too much joy from the loveable animals, according to an administrator who participated in the decision making process.
The relocation of the cattle farm represents a departure from Exeter’s traditional core values. This Academy has always made a commitment to several ideals: holding class even in stupidly unreasonable weather conditions just because it makes students seem “tough” to all the other schools who don’t care at all; holding an aversion to table corners; and an eternal commitment to “No Sibi” which translates roughly to “no soul”.
Moving the cattle farm violates some of these ideals.
First: the current pen is round. The stadium is square. Clear corner rule violation. Second: the smell both toughened up Academy students and provided a convenient source of methane that helped keep the Academy ruggedly independent. What better way to maintain our supreme irrelevance?!
The administration has reinforced No Sibi, however, by separating the Academy’s black and white mooing members, who represent the heart and soul of our Academy.
This new solution offers no benefits to the Academy. We demand the immediate return of the cattle to their previous home inside The Exonian newsroom.
This Editorial represents the views of The Exonian Editorial Board LXIX. We can be reached at censoredrecklesscomplainers@exonian.BIZ.
