For years, students have been stuck in the same old rat race, doing racing sports like track, cross country, cycling and swimming. Recently, however, the tide has stopped flowing, turned about and begun to ebb. Students are slowly at first, though with a constant acceleration regardless of their weight, starting to slide out of this rut into the newest, alternative sports fad. Sliding has skyrocketed to the top of the “closed sports” list and is now far and away Andover’s most popular afternoon activity!!
What’s so great about using a combination of momentum and friction to propel yourself down a hard plastic (or metal) surface anyways? According to a recent Features study, 100 percent (give or take one) of all Andover students quit their previous sport in order to competitively slide for one term.
This year, the Andover sliding team has gotten off to a slippery start. After a summer of intense training at local playgrounds, backyard slip n’ slides and other hard lubricated surfaces with an incline grade of above 50 percent, the team was anticipating an extraordinary year. The school even recruited a few Post-Graduates (PG) for the sole purpose of sliding. “If I could slide all three terms here I definitely would,” exclaimed one psyched PG.
Early in the season, the team slid into some difficulties when half of the sliders, including Captain Angus Portless ’14, were disqualified for the entire season. They tested positive for the use of performance enhancing lubricant (including but not limited to WD-40, pig fat, K-Y jelly and antler marrow spray). Portless’s absence from the team will not come unnoticed. For the single term he was with the team, Portless slid for a grand total of 645 meters! For those of you not familiar with the sport, that is one good slide.
In order to rebuild the team, legendary Coach and long time slip and sliding enthusiast Saul Pimon has been looking for students who are currently without a sport, in search of a demanding athletic experience, can handle a large time commitment and are preferably heavy set.
Due to strict league rules, however, recruiting for a sliding team is a formidable challenge. The United States Sliding Board of America forbids any slider to compete for more than one term in their lifetime.
Although there is a formidable group of sliding enthusiasts in the 9th and 10th grades, the USSBA forbids any Junior or Lower from participating in any competitive sliding event because of the dangerous nature of the sport.
With the team in shambles and the reputation of the entire Andover community at stake, everyone is waiting for a hero (or heroine) among us to stand up, put the entire school on his or her back and slide us to victory.
Until then we’ll just have to settle for football.
