Welcome to the Features Section! For those of you who are new to Phillips Academy and unfamiliar with The Phillipian, let me be the first to introduce the greatest section to ever grace this newspaper. Some would call us a “humor” section; others refer to us as “Huh? What’s Features?” But buried deep within the folds of this paper, you’ll find our faithful staff reporting on the topics that everyone else is afraid of tackling—the scoops, the scandals and yes, the celebrity pregnancies. In the style of former Features editor Jonathan Adler ’08, I will now attempt to describe what the Features Section is by describing first, what it is not. The Features Section is not Michael Phelps. We are but mere mortals who live in his shadow. The Features Section is not the Jonas Brothers. We find their inoffensive brand of pop/rock to be off-putting. Plus, anything that has touched Miley Cyrus can’t possibly be all that clean. The Features Section is not Michael Jackson, who has been surprisingly quiet lately… The Features Section is not currently in a relationship—at least not anymore. Oh, and Tracy, if by any chance you’re reading this, I just want to tell you that I don’t forgive you for what you did, you fat, ugly WHORE! Oh, and I think I left my gym bag at your apartment. You know, the Nike one, with the blue stripes? Do you mind if I come by to pick it up, say 3-ish? Thanks. The Features Section is not the News Section. Trusting our various sources would almost certainly end in a lawsuit. The Features Section is not the new Facebook. You don’t have to try us now. Or ever. The Features Section is not a varsity sport. The inherent homoeroticism is acknowledged (and embraced). The Features Section is not recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists. We’ve actually been known to cause cavities in the ages 8-12 demographic. The Features Section is not some guy named Ric you barely know. We won’t try to mess around with you, especially when you’ve been in a committed relationship for the last five years with your awesome boyfriend who’s always treated you really well, probably better than you deserve, you good-for-nothing TRAMP! The Features Section is not modest. In fact, we’re awesome. The Features Section is not for the faint of heart. We contain graphic images that may not be considered appropriate viewing for younger audiences. The Features Section is not a complete waste of paper. You’re thinking of the Arts section. The Features Section is not the New Yorker. Our terrorist fist bumps are in good taste. The Features Section is not Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker. Our magic tricks usually involve less awesomeness and more secret compartments. The Features Section is not the Sports Section. We can only think of so many synonyms for the words “win” and “lose.” The Features Section is not covered in bruises. Oh my God, Tracy, what happened? Come here and let me look at those. Did Ric do this to you? Look at me, Trace. Did that man hit you? It’s okay, you can tell me. I knew he was bad news! From the moment I laid eyes on that stupid biker tattoo, I knew we were both in for trouble. I never should’ve let you out of my sight! Oh, I’m so sorry, babe. Here, let me get you some ice. Forgive me for being so mean these past few days, Trace. I don’t know what got into me… just everything that’s been going on… don’t worry, honey. The bad man is gone. He’s not coming back. I’ll make sure of that. What’s that? Of course I still love you, baby. Nothing’s going to tear us apart. Shhhhh…I’m right here… don’t worry… everything’s going to be alright from now on. The Features Section is not the Commentary Section. Though they would like you to think otherwise, our opinions are as just as valid as those of the sweater-vested elite. The Features Section is not a Chinese gymnast. We’ve already lost all of our baby teeth. The Features Section is not repetitive. The Features Section is not repetitive. The Features Section is not the place to make random pop culture references. BRITNEY SPEARS OMGZZZ!!!!1 The Features Section is not the In-Depth Section. We publish articles more than once a month. The Features Section is not Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin. We didn’t finish second in the Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant. We got first. The Features Section is not… a used condom? Tracy, what the Hell??? You two-bit WHORE!
