By MADELINE KASPER OPP officers are frantically trying to repair a fissure that appeared on the Andover bubble late Tuesday night. The bubble has long been a part of Phillips Academy life, custom built for the school by the Federal Bureau of Investigation. OPP reports that the damage could take weeks to fix considering the bubble’s unique formulation, which, according to Features insiders, includes ingredients such as Chuck Norris’s tears, the sorcerer’s stone, unobtainium and DJ Paully D’s hair gel. In the meantime, information has slowly begun to leak into campus, causing quite a stir. One faculty member who wished to remain anonymous said, “Did you know that someone spilled some oil in the Gulf of Mexico? Yeah, like a whole gallon! And, Reagan isn’t even in office anymore! Who knew?! Certainly no one here!” Many students have felt the effects of the cracked bubble. Jessica Smith ’14 was spotted crying in the library after finding out that Justin Bieber did not win the Grammy for Best New Artist. “Tiger Woods is single!” Another student ranted on her Twitter. We interviewed a particularly disillusioned lower boy crying in the locker room. When we asked him what was wrong, he responded, “It turns out the JV hockey program isn’t a feeder program for the NHL. And I finally mastered the ‘toe-drag.’ It took me years!” Even we here at Features have come to terms with the harsh reality that our good looks will not carry us through life.
