Advice for guys: Drown yourself in cologne. If your date can’t locate you in the dark by smell then something is wrong. Assless chaps are a great way of subtly letting your date know you’re up for a little after-prom action. Spray tans tell girls that you are always doing your best to look good, even if you don’t live in Florida. Go commando and “forget” to zip up your fly after going to the bathroom. Roofies are lots of fun. Pop one in your drink, and let the night get crazy. I don’t really remember what I did when I took them, but my date said that we got crazy. Complimenting your date is a faux pas. Instead, call her fat. By undermining your date’s self-esteem you are only increasing your own chances. Nothing is more romantic than the back of a coach bus. If the back seat is taken then the bathroom works too. Hey, you can even pretend you’re joining the mile high club. Blatantly hit on your date’s best friend. All girls are competitive with their best friends, and this will encourage your date to one up her friend. Remind your date that 200 years ago she would have already been a mother at her age. Pay a homeless man to jump out and attack your date. By saving them you demonstrate value, completing the first step. Tell your date that your mom describes your massages as magical. When the topic of baseball inevitably arises, tell your date that you have always wanted to steal home. Follow this statement with a slow wink and an upwards nod. Ask your date to demonstrate their favorite stripper move on top of the table. Every girl has one and is secretly dying to show it off. Pretend to choke on your food. Be sure to have a friend yell, “Oh my god you have to give him CPR” to your date. Find a friend, and casually discuss the size of your member in front of your date. Speak in a British accent. Girls love it. If your date asks why you suddenly got an accent tell her you hit your head while saving orphans and woke up with the accent. Works every time. Look her in the eyes and tell her that you want something to remember her by. Then casually let your eyes wander. Ask your date if she has any daddy problems. If she does, she will turn to you for comfort. Talk about the awesome new shape you trimmed your special forest into. Wondering what form of physical contact is appropriate? Just remember P.R.O.M. – Pinch, Rub, and Orgasmic Massage. Quote Marvin Gaye. Tell her you write for Features. Advice for girls: Be hot. Get naked. -Scott Cuthell
