Your insides are crinkling and curling up on themselves. You’ll get a text and learn that another friend has an internship, a published paper, a shiny medal they can bite with their teeth. All you have are hollow congratulations, layered over festering sadness. Envy is starving you, because you’re not capitalizing on that emotion. Living with envy is normal; you don’t need to be ashamed about feeling it. But maybe your discomfort runs deeper. Have you lost your ability to feel happy for those friends? Do you ever wish failure on your friends? The latter will likely evoke a resounding “no,” but that can be false. Many people engage in mean behaviors all the time, like identifying someone’s flaws when presented with their achievements. Suddenly, everyone is no good, friends are giving and receiving the cold shoulder, or scary resting faces are going around. We bumble around with what they don’t have to convince ourselves we don’t want to be them. Secretly, we even wish for their downfall sometimes. However, that’s not quite right. Does that make you a bad person?
Inside the shell of envy is a fleshy impetus for improvement. We often find it when performing social comparison: what does he have that I don’t? Envy reminds us of what truly matters to us. When you truly decipher what it is you desire, it can be seldom negative, but rather helpful. Do you really want to win that science fair, or do you just want something for your resume? The root of our negativity provides an opportunity to recenter our path to success, even if it doesn’t look like someone else’s. Considering this, when you’re feeling envious, consider it a crossroads. We can use our catalyst to learn about opportunities and develop a resolve to work hard. Ask those bright friends and peers for help, instead of caging them in a glass box you subconsciously idolize, but deem you cannot reach. Or, have you taken the other path? Are you falling into hate — a negative cycle in which we never improve and try to de-rationalize the success of other people?
Struggling to be happy for your friends, constantly feeling your self-esteem sink when that guy uploads on Instagram; envy itself is not hateful, but it is what happens when we take it in the wrong direction. In a scenario where someone fits conventional standards of success while we don’t, we often make assertions about their character or nature to boost our self-worth. Take Elle Woods, the expert in blonde blowouts, “girly” advice, and also penal code. She falls under the “popular-girl stereotype”: a blonde bombshell who will never be smart or successful, but forever reliant on her dad’s money. Though her achievements say otherwise, people continue to make assessments based on their perception of her. Similarly, when somebody has achieved something we want, we like to make negative assertions, put them down, and spread hatred in order to undermine their success. Hate prevents us from supporting friends, not envy. Hate transforms us into negative people.
If you’ve felt jealous of your friends, you might ask how you can start getting better. If you know you want to detach from your hateful thoughts while climbing to higher achievement, you must know the root of your envy. What need isn’t being fulfilled? From validation to skills, by breaking down your thoughts, you’ll certainly discover your path to success doesn’t have to be the same as others. Society wants you to believe that your success comes from putting others down. Or maybe somebody’s been teaching you that accomplishment looks one way. Coupled with an uncomfortable envy, you’re feeling stuck. Sit down with that friend, and tell them you’re looking for a similar success, because a real friend wants you to get there too. There are also crucial steps to that level of success you’ve been missing as well (like your ten thousand hours of practice). Intrinsically, humans loathe uncomfortable feelings or situations. But just like you tell yourself at the gym, you need that displeasure, especially to remind you to get back to what you care about. There’s nobody to challenge but yourself.
