Across high schools nationwide, a virus has infected millions of students year after year. And no, before you say it, we’re not talking about mono. Unlike mono, this virus has historically been successfully contained within small groups of students, who mostly leave months after contracting it. This year, a breach in containment has left the virus running rampant throughout the student body, causing devastating consequences. It has been dubbed by experts: Senioritis.
In the past, students worked hard for years on end. They worked their childhoods away, aiming for a Top 10 elementary school, then a Top 10 middle school, then a Top 10 high school, supposedly ending the horrific cycle right at the famed gates of an Ivy League. Life was simple for them, because they didn’t have one.
After the unintentional release of the virus, hardworking students have become increasingly hard to find. For some reason, students now seem to think they are entitled to “work-life balance™”.
But who started this infection? Unlike most viruses, Senioritis did not get its start in China. Scientists theorize that the cause of the disease’s breach into the general public may have been the realizations that:
Whatever the reason, many of Andover’s own students have contracted this illness and lost their drive for crafting the theoretically perfect college app, one that Harvard would get on their knees for. This has led to an increase in “fun” and a decrease in “stress”. Some severe cases have left students so unmotivated they won’t even bother to have ChatGPT do their work, or ask their “friend Claude” to take their SATs for them.
In order to slow the spread of Senoiritis, please report if you notice you or your friends exhibiting these behaviors:
As the student body continues to become low-cortisol, and more and more people contract an aversion to 4-hour-long study sessions and only thinking about school, the consequences of this plague have become clear. The teaching staff is considerably more concerned than they were about the Hantavirus outbreak last year, as the number of Freshmen who booked “coffee chats” for the first week of school has dwindled down to single digits. [Same with the number of Seniors booking coffee chats with them]
Luckily, our staff at Sykes has worked vigilantly to create some cures for this ailment. If you find yourself thinking you were created for something greater than keeping your GPA above a 5.8, try these remedies to snap out of your delusions:
With your help and cooperation, we can contain this outbreak and return to our usual course of life. In the meantime, you can find solace in the fact that if you get a bad grade on your next chem test, your classmates may tip you an extra $2.50 when you bring them their Uber Eats.
