Since I began noticing these changes, I started bringing this up to some of my friends. I remember a late night conversation with my friend in her room, saying “I just don’t know if they remember how to act with us. I mean, ideally, they would act respectfully to each other, but I feel like they’ve all been conditioned to be closed off, so they try to act as blunt as they are to each other with us,”. My girl friends responded to this by sharing their own experiences, and even different opinions, yet my guy friends often responded defensively. Rather than chivalry or antiquated gender norms, I would hope that language we use to speak to each other remains respectful and appreciative. Emotional vulnerability and expression have been absent from nearly every conversation I’ve had with a guy this year, and not just from them. In fact, attempting to share something emotionally vulnerable of my own with them would often be countered with an insensitive response. It would be naive to think that Andover, although it is so inclusive, would be immune to toxic masculinity; one could only hope it wouldn’t run as rampant as it does. I’ve heard this same sentiment echoed by many of my female friends, yet when I bring it up to my male friends, there tends to be a lack of effort to understand what it is I’m saying and more so, a lack of perception of the effects of their actions on others. I wish I would be heard when I say “What you are saying hurts me,” but even with my close guy friends, it seems social conditioning enables them to laugh it off when I do.
The lack of self-awareness I have noticed is somewhat of a twisted inheritance cisgender men are now born into. These men are raised to not need to be aware of how they take up a room and how they are perceived. At Andover, I have been told to calm down for calling out sexist remarks, had stuff thrown at me to get my attention, and had a guy move to do his hip thrusts in an empty gym right above my head. Worse than all of that, these situations do not make me unique. There are plenty of victims of the toxic masculinity that runs rampant at our school. My friends constantly tell me about being talked down to and silenced by guys who believe their chosen attitude of nonchalance should be everybodies. This way of thinking becomes a problem when it begins to limit another person’s ability to express themselves how they want to.
Toxic masculinity doesn’t just harm women; it harms men too. This rise of “nonchalance” has forced men to bottle up their feelings in the name of fitting in. On the other hand, men who go against this mentality, freely expressing emotion, tend to be ostracized. I have been in more conversations where this has happened to me these few weeks at Andover than in my whole life combined. I’m a very passionate person who cares deeply and lights up when I speak about things that matter to me. Every time I’ve attempted to express myself and my opinions in a co-ed group, it is always a man who laughs away my experience and input, pushing away what is different. When I expressed anger about almost getting run over by a scooter, a negative emotion yet a very emotional one, the guys around me called me funny, rather than validate my anger. The baseline for connection is respect, and you can never form genuine relationships if each party doesn’t feel respected. It seems to me that some people at Andover expect everyone to be the same.
As every guy starts acting nonchalant and every girl feels forced to exist to serve the limited capacity for conversation the guys have, Andover culture begins to lose its interest. I implore everyone, especially those new to Andover, to help introduce a new culture that celebrates every person for their unique identity and allows for emotional expression.
