As you’re reading this, chud, you may be asking yourself, ‘What could the boys be ripping now?’ Let me give you a hint. It’s not corners. It’s not bag. It’s not each other’s pants. It’s the sack.
In need of a new community on campus not centered around a spikeball net (got reverse-gentrified), the boys have finally found their calling in a knit bag filled with sand. One Ole Miss ’33 Commit spoke on re-finding his spark off the ice (though still on the snow); “Ripping the bag and feeling that sand between my toes has really given me a chance to connect with my Jamaican Heritage, duo mi stil a wok pahn di langwij.”
As Andover begins to build its own squad, the selection process has become a contentious topic across stacks and dorms alike. Eaton and America House were recently relegated to Bouse status after a less-than positive showing within the confines of the Garden. (5 were hospitalized due to thorns in the feet). Tucker and Stimson were set to face off on Wednesday, but one of their best players, a call in from an established North Korean team, forgot to roll out beforehand. Stuart responded by exclusively recruiting guys who can rip top ched in Birks. Foxcroft declined to comment but was seen constructing “the Eiffel Tower of sacks” on the Great Lawn.
The culture on campus was challenged even more this week, as a representative from Bertha Bailey, fed up with his perpetual status as a Bouse mogger, decided to take an NIL deal from the great big Exeter Sacks.
Though originally satisfied by the money, the Bouse Mogger realized that the money didn’t exactly make up for the living situations, as living in Exeter’s Touse, Zuckerberg Hall, requires weekly Elephant Walks.
Spread sack, not hate.
