Despite happening months ago, new data from after Cluster Olympics shows that many members of West Quad South (WQS) were actually under the influence of various stimulants to enhance their performance in certain competitions.
These stimulants aren’t the usual ones you’ll find in the ASC cabinet. Here are some unorthodox performance enhancers the Eighth Page Team found in blood samples secretly drawn during Flu Vaccines.
1. Viagra: For a reason currently quite murky to most people on campus, a number of WQS contestants in the 30-Yard Handstand Race were caught secretly taking Viagra before the competition. Since we could not rationalize their motives, we interviewed one of them on the condition of anonymity. “I needed it because I thought balancing would be easier with three legs than just two,” she said.
2. Cough medicine: One member of WQS decided to down nearly an entire bottle of cough medicine before the timed crossword-solving competition. Having succumbed to the more usual side effect—drowsiness, the student-athlete didn’t even finish. But the Viagra takers did.
3. Laxatives: After the Cluster Olympics, images of WQS athletes’ brown stains surfaced, which they persisted were from the turf. Confirming rumors, blood samples showed that WQS competitors, in fact, sharted themselves due to heavy laxative use in hopes to “boost” their own performance.
4. Another group of WQS competitors were also found to have injected themselves with a mixed juice extracted from Paresky Commons’ storied fajitas.
5. Poop Sponge Fumes: While not specifically acknowledged in the blood samples, anonymous reports suggest that WQS student-athletes inhaled fumes emanating from a poop sponge. That is, the sponge contained poop scattered around the showers in Borden. Scientific analysis conducted by award-winning Andover student-researchers operating independently from the administration confirms that these fumes originated from Borden.
In response, the administration is considering giving WQS a ‘special punishment,’ which will entail cleaning up the recent overload of bodily fluids in the Borden showers, likely produced by Cluster Ball athletes. Moving forward, Andover will be issuing drug tests before the events to ensure fairness among all competing clusters.
