It only takes one text from a friend about a rain check, and many of us might exhale a sigh of relief, exciting ourselves for what a fun night of “doing nothing”: eating ice cream and watching a movie by ourselves. Doing nothing sure is a reprieve from days that somehow fill up with to-dos before you even notice. But one missed hangout snowballs into repeated awkward dynamics between friends. Treating friendships and hangouts as a taxing endeavour leads to a disconnect more harmful than we imagine. It may seem fine to be continuously holed up in our rooms, wearing warm pajamas, glued to our laptops, with downloaded movies prepared, but habitual avoidance of social commitment will come to hit us when we’re truly feeling alone and disconnected.
In planning hangouts with friends, casual catching up, or maybe even a café study session, we subconsciously question the idea of committing our time without knowing whether this time will be well spent. Instead, we often offer up different timings, locations, and the infamous, “whatever works for you.” Once Saturday morning rolls around, and no progress has been made in our vague back-and-forth texts, a mutual understanding sinks in: “maybe next time.” Maybe the person on the other line is also waiting for you to scrap the plans of hanging out. Regardless, by dropping plans, we’re giving away chances for funny moments like complaining about the kids from class that crashed our favorite hangout spot, or missing out on routinizing Saturday morning coffee at Dunkin’. We should be more motivated to seek the eventual enjoyment of getting to know our friends a little better, because even if having to put on bulky snow boots and a hat is a small burden, we’ll likely come back to the dorm minutes before final sign-in, still chatting about events of the night, grateful we ignored our inhibitions.
At Andover, it’s normal to prioritize ourselves. With the tolls on mental health we experience, and a persistent lack of free time, our needs should come first. While this can be valid to an extent, we ourselves know that we sometimes spend more weekends “dorm-rotting” than necessary, when we could be cheering on our friends at karaoke or a sports game. We say to ourselves that we’ll go to those activities when we’re less busy, but staying in our snug dorm rooms often leads to more scrolling than studying. Afterwards, all we’re left with is guilt as we see the texts “where were you” or “I thought you’d be there.”
Eventually, with repeated withdrawal from such situations, friends stop reaching out for connection. That’s when we start to feel uncomfortably alone. The loneliness bubble grows, flourishing in late nights spent alone on our computers and phones. However, if we instead show up for each other, we can create a community with one another, a place for recharging and sharing. These communities allow us to naturally talk about pressures and feelings that would otherwise bubble up into a negative headspace. Filling up the stands at pep rally and making noise in Susie’s is what Andover’s all about, so if not for yourself, you owe it to the people around you to show up. We must think less about the immediate cost of going out — getting dressed for the smothering snow — but more about the liveliness of a free-skate or perhaps the comfortable silence in late-night walks with someone on a perfectly clear night. Though assignments won’t have disappeared in those few hours, you’ll likely find yourself more energized by this social interaction when you sit down to tackle that math problem.
Self-regard and prioritization are important, but we also risk losing our beloved friends and companies when personal time consumes all of us. Sometimes, maintaining relationships requires enduring small inconveniences for the privilege of having people to lean on and mess around with. Though it would be easier to doom-scroll on our carpets instead of running downtown with a friend who needs more utensils, something memorable will likely happen in that 15-minute walk that we cannot imagine having missed after the fact. We’re busy people, yes, but does life truly ever stop throwing things at us? It is up to us to develop connections that help us balance out the unexpected, the pain, and being alone.
