Even on the fourth attempt, distress bubbled over into an inescapable reflex. Running and grabbing onto the wall wasn’t enough; there was a prickling feeling in my breath, lightheadedness from hyperventilation, the worry my legs would collapse into a puddle, for the rest of the day. Every Monday afternoon, I head to Sykes and hop in the car to the allergist, where a needle enters my arm without a flinch. Twice a week, up to three pokes a visit, in hopes that the relentless runny noses would subside — that has been a part of my daily routine for around 5 years. And still, a paralyzing terror overcame me when I went to Sykes to receive an injection. I ran away to feel the coolness of the wall under my palm, out of breath with tears everywhere. The way that a needle brought me to a panic attack, and nearly to passing out, is what my mother would call an irrational fear. Those who suffer from irrational fears often cower, making a half-hearted excuse that it doesn’t interfere with their daily lives, even when it follows them around like a parasite.
The pinnacle of irrational fear is the debilitating constriction that takes over us, though for me and perhaps many others, not rooted in trauma. In passing, I find that I’m comfortable laughing and dismissing this sudden fear of needles, even persuading myself into believing that I can overcome it next time. Concurrently, as we draw closer to facing our irrational fear, uneasiness runs wild, and our imagination exacerbates it. This, as said by Stoic philosopher Seneca, is the gap between imagination and reality. He notes that, “There are more things likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” Though the types of fear I describe often pose no harm to us, our imagination causes us to build up an aversion to something simple. Rather than the actual pain of getting an injection, my fear was propelled by anticipation of the pain that would suddenly make me no longer myself, even before the needle was visible. It’s normal to get a little nervous or jumpy upon seeing something painful like a vaccine, but the rise in heart rate that occurs even when scheduling the appointment is the difference between my fear and yours. Uncontrollable factors like the sound of the alcohol wipe being opened, the uncapping of the needle, wear down our will to endure the situation. By being unable to ground ourselves, we fall into a cyclical trap of resigning to the fact that our fear is inevitable, that running away is the easiest solution, and being lost on our journey to overcome them. We can lie to ourselves, but the fact is that these fears hold us down, and the need to overcome them remains.
A first instinct that we often have is to turn to a friend in the face of an anxiety-inducing situation. In practice, however, it’s more difficult than we imagine. The vulnerability that we must show to those around us is difficult to imagine happening at all. Rejection, misunderstanding, and the guilt of causing someone to worry about you are all reasons why we struggle to tell our friends what’s on our minds. To those who can, though, even if it cannot completely assuage their fear, it offers a sense of understanding. Though I found myself unable to articulate to my friends the type of panic I experienced, I found such refuge in my mom. Originally, I had expected that she would never understand me. Yet, she did once she came to support me while getting shots. Though occasionally we are met with phrases like “Everyone gets anxiety,” or “Face your fears,” which can feel invalidating, we need to be vulnerable first. It is necessary to come clean and accept that these fears hold immense power over our lives, for if we don’t, the guise of pretending everything is okay allows more irrational thoughts to fill our heads, intensifying turmoil.
At one point, we must take control of our feelings. But, in some ways, I wouldn’t consider my challenges in confronting my fear to be completely pointless. The act of being raw and vulnerable with our fears and acknowledging their presence in our lives helps us get better. The affection of friends and family, or even the medical treatments we sometimes need to receive, allow us to grow more resilient in the face of fear. So, even if the idea of defeating these fears appears daunting, the understanding you will find from family and friends can bring the end in sight.
