Somewhere along the moments of budding conversations and sitting on dorm room floors just before lights out, the lingering feeling of social awareness makes its presence. I mellow out my words when a friend has been leaving something unsaid, or quell my wish to chime in when someone is particularly fond of a topic. I pride myself on having such an ability, being able to recognize when exactly to exercise restraint and avoid oversharing; however, my mother believed my self-awareness was a detriment: a fear of inconveniencing others. This overt self-awareness, as she predicted, started to harm my relationships, haunting me even at Andover. Late night talks in my friend’s room replay in my mind after the lights are out, wondering if too many of my words are being dissected and scrutinized by them. Maybe things that my friends said were hidden signals, and I never understood the signs that we were incompatible as friends. These thoughts protrude late into the night, as I restlessly turn in bed, often causing me to wonder if they never liked me all that much. Through many hours of lost sleep, I’ve found a term for that self-consciousness in relationships. In fact, you may be suffering from it right now. That vexing sensation is the result of “The Liking Gap.”
“The Liking Gap” is a term that was born out of a study at Yale, where participants held short-term conversations with strangers and ranked them. Put simply, the “gap” is the disparity between one’s perception of how much people like them and that person’s actual opinion. Evaluated on a seven-point meter, the participants had a chance to denote how they thought of themselves and the other person, as well as if they could imagine starting a friendship with that person. The study mentions how, when observing data, they found that there is a fallacy in the idea that people liked their conversation partners more than their partners liked them, thus proving “The Liking Gap.” Studies have shown a staggering gap of nearly fourteen points between those two data points, reflecting on just how much anxiety and self-awareness permeate our relationships. The study surrounding conversations between strangers is something that happens in the daily life of any Andover student.
In my experience, the liking gap is most apparent during passing conversations, drawing us away from getting to know new people or even taking the initiative to say “hi.” The uncertainty of polite conversation leaves ample opportunity to make assumptions. If, perhaps, an awkward silence begins to settle in, worrying about how I’m perceived is a wonderful distraction. It seems that the few shallow dialogues will forever repeat with a dormmate, never turning into Saturday nights in Susie’s or common room meetups. Though the psychological existence of this liking gap is scientifically based on exchange in newfound friendship, it appears in close relationships as well. Assumptions about how a friend views me have led me to unnecessarily withdraw from people who truly care. The times I’ve refrained from opening up were more painful than taking a risk to bring us closer. When it comes to hard conversations in particular, we feel insecure and vulnerable — because validation gives comfort, and therefore the lack of it from a friend can cause us to despair. In an already stressful environment where friendship should be a respite, this constant weighing is an extra burden. In moments like these, the liking gap feels like a perpetual cycle of worries, restraint, and reclusion that makes even close friends seem distant. So, with this concept on our minds, why do we as a society encourage social awareness?
My view on self-awareness was that it is the driving force that allows us to acknowledge others and their boundaries. Undoubtedly, respecting others in relationships is important, but growth is also hindered when feelings aren’t freely expressed. Self-awareness often causes us to double-check what we say, even when it’s simply about shallow topics such as finals week. The ability to speak without restraint is one we should be supporting in our social norms, not encouraging people to give fodder for their insecurities. Furthermore, it is painfully obvious when self-awareness gets in the way of productive conversation, even if you might not think so. Right before leaving for Andover, a childhood friend I reconnected with detected my anxiety about making new relationships immediately, much to my surprise, and offered me advice for my new journey. He claimed that I was “doctoring” my sentences, or rather rehearsing what to say instead of expressing what immediately came to mind, likely for approval. However, the next phrases he offered me have stuck with me — that I was going to a place that wanted my brilliance, that part of the mental acuity they needed was that of my words.
Even though school and friendships will be stressful at times, staying attuned to your relationships is nevertheless important. Living with classmates forces you to depend on each other at some point, and my dorm community made it apparent to me that it’s okay to lean on others. That fear of being overdependent or overbearing by asking for help is a scientifically backed misconception that should only spur you to overcome your inhibitions. Furthermore, when fully enveloped in your conversations and engaged in the concept at hand, the opportunity to self-assess fades away. It is only human to be concerned with self-image, but in the same way, it is normal to lean on, share, and ask for help from friends without fear of rejection. Those feelings of yours? The science shows it happens to everyone, but that doesn’t eliminate the possibility of overcoming them.
