Jebediah posed for a picture for The Phillipian.
Okay so boom, Johnson Hall decides we’re doing this “wholesome fall bonding” trip to go apple picking. Adorable concept, sure…if you ignore the fact that we’re all basically feral from midterms and cafeteria food. So we hopped on the bus which was already an episode of The Real Housewives of Dorm Life. Someone was doing eyeliner with the bus mirror, someone else was eating Takis at 9 a.m., and I… I was looking out the window seat with matcha in hand, Clairo in my wired earphones, reminiscing with full main character energy.
So we pull up to this orchard in the middle of nowhere. Stepped off the bus. Everyone’s screaming, fighting over who gets to sit with who on the hayride, and I’m just tryna look mysterious in my hoodie and lip gloss.
I turn to my roommate Sophia and I’m like, “What are we hitting up first?”
She goes, “The hayride.” We dap each other up like we just made a million dollar deal.
And. Here. He. Comes.
This Amish man walks out from behind a tractor looking like he was carved by God and a Pinterest board. Pilgrim hat standing tall. Rolled-up sleeves. Hands that looked like they could fix a fence and my entire life. He’s got that quiet, dangerous charm…the kind that doesn’t need to speak to ruin your GPA. Jawline sharp enough to cut through my common sense. Brown eyes warm like golden honey. Forearms flexed just right to make me question my morals. This is fine shyt.
He walks up to the group and goes, “Howdy ladies! I’m Jebidiah, I’ll be y’all’s instructor for the day…”
Time. Stops.
I swear I could hear a faint guitar in the wind. I turn to Sophia and whisper, “Girl. I can tell his hat isn’t the only thing that’s long.”
She immediately starts choking on her cider. I’m trying to act normal, but I’m over here having a spiritual awakening. Jacob keeps talking about the activities: the pumpkin patch, cider tasting, apple picking, and I’m just blinking slowly like I understand any of it.
Then I ask, “And which station will you be working?”
He laughs cutely. I melt on sight. My delusion? Louder than my intuition.
“I’ll be at the apple-picking station,” he says. “I hope to see you there.”
“Oh don’t worry, you will.” I’m naming our future cows at this point.
I turn to Sophia, “And judging by the size of this orchard,” I whisper, “I know he’s got stamina.”
Sophia: “Girl, you’re crazy.”
So obviously, I convince her we’re definitely doing apple picking instead of the hayride. By this time, my dormmates are doing TikToks and screaming “JOHNSON HALL FALL VIBES!!” Meanwhile, I’m playing eye tag with Jebediah, sitting there staring at him like he’s yummier than these apples.
We start talking. He’s like, “You ever been on a farm before?”
And I’m like, “No, but I’ve seen Little House on the Prairie, does that count?”
He laughs again. I’ve mentally bought us matching overalls already.
Then he goes, “Wanna see the stables?” and I’m like—ohhh okay farmer boy. But nah, he meant actual horses. Hay everywhere. I sit down trying to flirt, and a horse sneezes on me. Instant aura loss. Negative rizz. So I’m like, “Maybe we should, uh, check out somewhere less… barn-y.”
So instead we go to the back of his carriage. And…let’s just say we had a good time. It was quite the stroke of fate. My curls were slightly frizzier afterward.
On the bus ride home, everyone’s bragging about how many apples they picked——and I—— about how I cracked Amish fine shyt.
Anyway, the moral of the story: stay in school, not on farms.
