Politics:
Students in shock as red hats begin to pop up again throughout campus, some feeling threatened physically and emotionally. Led by proud underachievers, the new movement “Make Fours Great Again” is causing great unrest throughout Departments, especially in Philosophy and Religious Studies. As the movement has picked up, classes like Ethics have been completely walked out on, and even dropped completely in some cases.
Science:
A group of motivated Seniors has worked diligently throughout their Junior, Lower, and Upper years to find the cure for an age-old disease, Senioritis. After analyzing spike ball nets and figuring out what actually goes on in the first-floor bathrooms of the library, these changemakers have found one thing.
(Event cancelled because Seniors presenting findings declined to attend their own presentation).
Health:
In preparation for Bass(tent) eager students sell out stocks of plastic water bottles at CVS. “Being a dance outside, Bass(tent) can be very dehydrating, and dehydrated students pose a danger to themselves,” said a concerned faculty member, “but everyone on campus is so glad that all of these students are taking the initiative to make their night so much safer.”
World:
The Exonian strikes out again.
