Hyper-drenched sponges that are not squeezed out properly rot and fall apart; so do hyper-drenched humans. Attempting to absorb (often without success) all the woes, angers, and glees of the world, then sitting there without soaking the emotions out, we end up forgetting what it means to be a dry, squeaky-clean sponge. As such, hyperempathy occurs when one overly cares about others’ emotions and ends up mirroring them. The emotional fatality of hyperempathy lies in the misconception that empathetic people are always capable of self-care as well. Taking care of our own emotions before empathizing others allows us to make the most out of empathy.
Since childhood, I had been considered very emotional; poignant movie scenes brought me to tears and a sharp immature comment from a friend would bother me for several weeks. I took each and every interaction seriously, guessing the implied meanings behind each word and adjusting my actions accordingly. As I matured and learned that many, if not most, daily interactions do not carry much emotional weight, I thought I had graduated from the stage of being an emotional child. Yet, it took me a lot of tears, anger, and broken relationships to realize that the child who sobbed when Mufasa from the “Lion King” died was hiding inside me all along, begging me to let herself shine once again. Throughout my early teenage years, in exchange for learning to overcome criticisms, I began absorbing people’s emotions and the following burdens instead. Talking to a sobbing friend who had just lost a pet or comforting my brother who had gotten a low grade on an exam subdued my mood for the entire day, if not the whole week. The hyperempathy extended beyond sorrow. In one instance when a beloved faculty member from my old school was on the brink of getting fired, my broken self attempted to battle against the school administration and parents by petitioning the employment office (quite hastily and without sufficient research). Likewise, hyperempathy influenced me beyond emotions; it led me to make hasty decisions.
My teachers, friends, and even I assumed that these events were the result of kindness — a desire to take care of and benefit others. Perhaps kindness did partially contribute to the abrupt mood changes and unprepared yet good-willed actions but, looking back, the cause of all these rash actions and emotions was empathy. Likewise, it can be challenging to differentiate between acting based on our own feelings and those of others — both causes are often expressed through helpful actions and covered beneath the blanket of empathy. Upon closer examination, the distinction grows clearer. People who feel the emotional need to assist others often feel fulfilled once an attempt to help has been made. For instance, one may feel fulfilled providing advice to a struggling friend as that act of kindness sprouts self-love. However, those who act out of empathy, or hyperempathy, spend a significant amount of time considering the emotions of those who need help, and prevent themselves from feeling satisfied until the struggling people feel better. Such considerate behavior may seem positive at a surface level, yet once the space in our hearts dedicated to understanding others overrides our habits of self-care, that excess amount of empathy can destroy our helpers’ lives without notice.
Hyperempathy silences our inner voices. When listening to others’ concerns and dedicating our emotions to their stories, we wear their vision and think from their viewpoints. Wearing this loud, banging headset of others’ emotions erases headspace dedicated to considering our own thoughts, desires, and needs. For my younger self, all I could care about was the well-being of the person needing help and how they were feeling at the moment. I defined my own circumstances as being insignificant compared to others in need. A few instances of such dedication may be beneficial, yet repeated instances of prioritizing others’ emotions over ours eventually drain many of us, both physically and emotionally. There comes a point when you cannot focus on daily tasks or manage your feelings because you begin overthinking the implied emotions behind each dialogue and action. For instance, if someone says “I had a rough day,” a hyperempathetic person may be imagining several scenarios of why that person is struggling and constantly (and excessively) check on them throughout the day, while neglecting their own duties and needs. Likewise, hyperempathy slowly eats up one’s emotional bowl until one gets confused whether their emotions originate from themselves or others.
Don’t get me wrong — empathy is a crucial asset for humans and is currently lacking in many facets of society. Hyperempathy, on the other hand, can negatively affect not merely ourselves but also those whom we are trying to support. Sometimes, people need space to consider their emotions and circumstances before reaching out to other people to do the job for them. A way to deliver empathy in the most effective manner is recalling the perhaps cliched yet still meaningful saying: your bowl must be full before you can fill others’. Though the saying may sound simple, asking a hyperempathetic person to immediately apply this lesson can be difficult for them. For those who possess hyperempathy not merely as a personality trait but as an instinctive response, it is surely difficult to start taking care of our emotions firsthand. An easier habit to implement would be speaking from our experiences and our needs when speaking empathetically, such as introducing similar struggles we have had or emotional hills we had to hike over. This slight change in communication can enable us to ponder our own emotions before connecting them to others’ struggles.
In a boarding school like Phillips Academy, emotions journey akin to diseases. Close proximity causes “catching” others emotions to occur on a daily basis. As a defense mechanism, many students might find themselves in the rabbit hole of hyperempathy, attempting to mingle with the community by stepping into the shoes of everyone else. As students spend four years with similar people in this school, it is important to distinguish our individual emotional boundaries to that of others. Wear your own shoes before you help others try out theirs.
