Drizzy-Drake (Drakey-Poo) (Anita Maxx Wynn)
Subject: KENDRICK LAMAR MUST DIE
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting on, because this is going to be a rough, rough ride.
As some of you idiot sellouts may have seen, Kendrick Lamar has lied his 5’ 5” self to the top, from getting five Grammys for a song that was SUPER DUPER UNFAIR and TOTALLY MEAN, to being invited to the Super Bowl wearing BBL jeans that were 5 sizes too small, which HE TOTALLY STOLE FROM MY CLOSET. If you’re reading this to yourself and saying “Oh my gosh Drizzy, I really think he’s a good artist”, then please, SUE YOURSELF SO I DON’T HAVE TO TRACK YOU DOWN AND DO IT PERSONALLY.
Tuning into my OVO television, which, for the record, stands for other vegetable option (love me some eggplant sometimes) hate watching the show, I was fuming at the sight that, first of all, there was a DISTINCT LACK OF YOUNG CANADIANS IN THE AUDIENCE, who we all know I appreciate the most, and that, second of all, I bet a load of money on Patrick Mahomes who will be getting a call requesting his half of our shared BFF necklace back.
I was also appalled to find that one of you disgusting excuses for true Toronto men has lost the password to my Stake account, in which I was storing the funds for my Anita Max Wynn tour.
As I have learned over the past excruciating week, all of you are literally FAILING MISERABLY at everything I tell you to do, and I STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN MY BBL JEANS BACK. “But Drakey-Poo” you say in a whiny voice, “you should just give up and stop caring so much!” NO, YOU STUPID IDIOT, THAT’S THE STUPIDEST STUPID IDEA THAT HAS EVER BEEN AN IDEA EVER BECAUSE ALL OF YOU DUMMIES ARE STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.
Finally, if you find yourself offended in any way by this email, just know that I don’t care, because it’s no more mister nice guy from now on.
Ttyl See ya wouldn’t wanna be ya 😉
Drake
