Andover, MA – Andover Prime Minister Raynard Kington announced his resignation from the of Head of School at this morning’s trustee meeting. As such, he will be delegating all his power to his deputy, Merrilee Mardon.
“Every bone in my body has been ‘Big Blue’ ever since I arrived. I mean, you saw how hard I tailgated A/E this year. Every morning when my ‘By the Seaside’ alarm goes off, I am delightfully reminded of the stubbornness and waspiness that defines us Andoverians as the créme de la créme of society. Last night, over dinner, however, I broke the news to my family. Not at Commons, of course. I couldn’t have people thinking it was Head of School Day.” said Kington trying to stimulate tears.
Students report that they have seen Kington roaming and have compared his behavior to that of “a ghost that haunts the halls, occasionally grasping your shoulder before vanishing.” Some suspect Kington has been planning to step back for a while after rumors of bird-watching students intercepting a carrier pigeon holding a letter where he formally addressed Mardon:
“Let’s run this town together; you can be my Queenton!”
Despite his apologetic front, Kington’s behavior is likely not out of the good of his heart but rather due to him being caught in a tricky situation. Ever wonder why the trustee table is circular? They are believed to be running an underground Casino with school money.
Latest reports mention a tweet on X(™) from @AHSgoldenwarriors, “We would be happy to welcome Phillips Academy into our community and become the reigning sixth cluster.”
