Q:
Dear PA Relationship Hotline, I have this crush on a person in my English class. I need advice.
A:
Dear Anonymous Reader:
First, really get to know them before you meet. You know, their hobbies, their pets, their dad’s job, where they live… most people would call this stalking. I call it a head start. Now, you might be wondering if they’re into you. Some common signs are: Being in the same room, winking at you with both eyes, and angrily glancing in your direction (She’s mad you aren’t sitting with her). My personal favorite one is, “Are you my History 300 homework? Cuz I wanna do you all night.” When texting, you don’t want to seem too needy. Set a timer for an hour so you can respond at exactly the right time. Now, ask them out. I prefer to do this over text, so they can’t see me cry, but I’ve found that calling and hanging up immediately is also effective. Don’t worry, the worst that they could say is no, besides, “I didn’t think you were into women.” However, if they say yes, then you’re going to go on a date soon. In our modern time, women have become more independent. This is why you should make her hold the umbrella, make her pay the bill, and let her make the first move. After the date, when you walk to the halfway point between both of your dorms, stand there for 10 seconds, look at your feet, and say “Umm, so yea, uhhh..” What now? Why not another pickup line? My second-favorite one is “Are you a beaver? Cuz DAM!” If you’re still single after reading this, it’s completely your fault.
