The first time I went to a Korean school was in fourth grade. As I, with my toothy smile and loud laugh, first stood in front of my peers, I felt their curiosity. I didn’t know at the time but Koreans value limits — to contain themselves within their own limbs and make sure to never impede upon other’s spaces. So, to these kids, I was one of the first people to be so outrageously free. At first, they seemed amused by my antics, but once they started asking me about myself and I continued sharing, the even scarce chance I had of making friends disappeared. I accidentally broke the first rule of Korean society: you must always be humble. However, I did not stay friendless forever. After much trial and error in that school, I did manage to become adept at speaking the unsp
oken language of Korean society, but in the process, I started to equate the act of being humble with bringing myself down, making myself a practitioner of the wrong kind of humility.
The main reason why this type of humility was detrimental to me was because constantly placing myself down engrained a sense of low self-esteem in me. In my skewed perception, being humble meant putting yourself down to uplift others. Which in turn had various side effects, especially on my self-confidence. Humans are programmed to believe what they say, and because I spoke so lowly about myself in a majority of my conversations, my brain started to perceive myself in a negative light. Another side effect was on my social life. As I lost my self-esteem and confidence, I started to lose my friends and instead attracted the wrong type of people who wanted to take advantage of my insecurities. These two factors combined manifested in the form of imposter syndrome for me. As the instances where I tried to diminish myself increased, I began to question my worth. Soon enough, I began to feel insecure, thinking that I was not talented enough to be among my peers. However, as I did not understand the root cause of my lack of self-worth, I continued to belittle myself in an effort to be liked. I didn’t realize at the time that this act of self-depreciation was far from humility and was closer to narcissism in the sense that it centers the world around you as you fixate on yourself rather than on others.
It took a long time for me to get out of this cycle. However, by surrounding myself with a strong support system, I realized that I didn’t need to practice such excessive humility to be liked. I also learned that there is a fine line between humility that helps you and one that is detrimental to you. The way that I have prevented myself from falling over that line again is by restructuring the way I perceive humility. Rather than thinking of it as bringing myself down, I started viewing humility as uplifting others and myself.
At its core, the reason humility is seen as such an important characteristic is because humble people acknowledge that they are not perfect, thus always strive to respect others and be open to opportunities to learn. In other words, humility causes people to have a good attitude towards everything and everyone. Thus, instead of focusing my energy on degrading myself in an effort to appear humble, I focused on uplifting whoever I was interacting with — acknowledging their achievements and appreciating the little things that might go unnoticed. Additionally, I made an effort to be open to feedback and seek opportunities to grow. I openly started asking people for help when I needed it and engaged in conversations with my teachers whenever I felt like there were areas that I could improve upon. I ultimately became more open about my weaknesses, not seeking to hide them but rather seeking help to overcome them. Finally, I acknowledged that I am simply a component of a puzzle. Whether it is my family or Andover or this country, I am simply just one piece of the intricate puzzle that connects everyone together. Therefore, I decentered myself from my perspective and began to try focusing on others, striving to play a positive role in my community.
Humility can serve as a great strength if practiced to the right degree. Therefore, it is vital to find the right balance so that it can serve as a beneficial means to both you and the people around you.
