The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

Students Sheltered in Den After Weather Forecasts Show “Rolling Thunder”

Floridian Students Disappointed to Find That AP Doesn’t Stand For “Alligator Penis”

Reagan vs. Kissinger Cancelled After Lucifer Refuses to Give ESPN Streaming Rights

Andover on Bringing Harrison Butker for Next Instillation of Abbot “Then, Now, Next”

AP Season Reveals Shocking Number of New ADHD Diagnoses

30 Dead Following Attempted Collaboration Between Theatre and Music Department 

Andover Athletics Strikes 7,000,000 Dollar Sponsorship with ZYN® Following Recent SOTA Data