The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: The Life Story of an Andover Student who got Drafted to the NFL

Age 1: Adam has just learned to walk and has begun to bulk. After having Paresky Commons’ mash potatoes spoon-fed to him for three months straight, Adam will have the build of a linebacker from the 1980s.

Age 3: Adam is old enough to sign up for pee-wee football. With his immense stature, Adam racked up 22 touchdowns and three felony negligent homicide charges in his first seven games. 

Age 8: Hooray! Adam has been released from juvenile detention early for good behavior. He has also hit puberty! Adam has now decided to take his immaculate strength and prowess to the quarterback position. 

Age 13: Now the size of a linebacker from the 1980s, Adam has attracted the attention of the coach. After an all-expenses paid trip to Barcelona, Adam has announced his commitment to Andover for football.

Age 15: During his Freshman Year at Andover, Adam experienced a life-changing event, EBI. Before leaving the opposing D-linemen in comas, he ranks where they are on Maslow’s period of needs. He also takes into account the other team’s life experiences before deciding which cornerback to target. 

Age 17:  Standing in solidarity against malnutrition and disease, Adam decided to go into his Junior season with a shaved head. His teammates recall being shocked to find that his head had adapted to his profession, growing an extra layer of skull and extending his ears to be a more attentive listener in his seminars. 

Age 20: Finally achieving his dream, Adam was drafted by the New England Patriots straight out of his sixth year at Andover. He will contend for a starting quarterback position while also running the teams’ diversity, equity, and inclusion committee. Andover is proud to have fostered such an upstanding ruthless athlete.