The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: An Andover Student Training for and Running the Marathon

An Andover Student Training for and Running the Marathon.

Dear Sykes’ Therapists, 

As my first step towards spiritual betterment, although it may sound ambitious, I plan to participate in next year’s Boston Marathon!

I was laying still in the Sykes’ hospital bed after a minor heart attack when I realized it was time for a change. I shouldn’t have waited for something so dire to motivate me to get in shape; my health has long been on a downward spiral ever since that one incident in the Morse bathroom with my “opp” teacher in the stall over (before you ask, a couple was occupying the all-gender one on the first floor). The greasy “carnival” food clogging my arteries was just what I needed to top it off. I decided I needed something big to motivate me to improve, especially because my mindful walking every Tuesday and Thursday has gotten me nowhere. In reality, I’ve thought about running the Boston Marathon for a while, or at least ever since I heard a girl in my class discussing her plans to start a non-profit to help refugee chipmunks, and I knew I needed to think outside the box for a college essay topic. But, today is officially the day I am going to start anew! I have begun by running loops in the sanctuary. Although I enjoy soaking up the sun, my favorite time to run is right before sign when the Sanctuary really comes to life with students. Not only do I feel rejuvenated but I have also been invited to join a cross-country cult. They have truly become family. I am beginning to learn what it means to be a respectful member of the community, and I have limited myself to making the freshman clean my room for me only once a week. I cannot wait to see what the future holds. 

Yours truly,

The Maronthoner