The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Head Of School Day GAP

Dear Deans Committee,

I would like to sincerely apologize for my abuse of the extra time that was graciously given to me on Head of School Day. I have started to reflect on my actions of highly organizing a Den heist with my best friend Jeff Jr.

First I would like to explain the situation from my perspective. Jeff Jr and I had been planning this event since fall term after seeing the Den honey buns price skyrocket. Therefore, we felt the need to make a statement against this insane Kingtenomics. After seeing the Den faculty stampede out of the building with their retina-protecting glasses, we knew it was time to make our move. We ran in and stole the beloved monkey-bread and acai-blueberry brooksides. While walking out of the side door with all of our snacks, we were unfortunately intersected by  Dr. Kington. I watched in horror as Jeff sold and fessed up. I attempted to flee the scene, but the surveillance footage was promptly sent to the deans. I will never forgive Jeff and I now know my campus opps.

I understand that my actions come with consequences and I am willing to wholeheartedly attempt to change my character. I will happily work in the Den weekly to restore my relationship with faculty and give back to the community. I will also provide an extra hand in the den; I will ridicule students who attempt turning off the lights in hopes of an impromptu den dance, periodically camp out in front of the bathroom to insure there will be no inexcusable behavior, and make myself hourly smoothies so my peasant classmates have to wait in long, brutal lines.

Ready for growth (but not accountability),

Troy Jackson