As you all should have received (and read thoroughly) our email regarding the policy changes, unfortunately, our freeloader intern only sent the first half. This is why we don’t pay him! Absences aren’t the only issue we are striving to resolve, check out some of the other changes on campus!
Failure to Press the Crosswalk Button: If spotted throwing yourself into a roadway, Campus Safety will alert your point person, who will be expecting a five-page paper on car and road safety, along with a detailed explanation of why you thought pressing a button was beneath you — bonus points for creativity in justifying your button-avoidance tactics. Your sneaky link can wait the extra three seconds to ensure you cross safely☺.
Silent Violation: Silent has become a sacred study spot for many students, it is essential not to disrupt the balance. After one noise warning, Mr. Perry will forcibly remove you and bring you to the dungeon in the George Washington Hall basement. You’ll be granted a spot to perform at Abbot Cabaret. Titled “The Silent Symphony,” the perpetrator(s) get to embrace the challenge of performing without words, instruments, or man-made sound. We aim to challenge creativity and your yapping tendencies by providing a route of expression devoid of noise. A standing ovation will grant you a ticket to freedom. Then, and only then, may you speak.
Inattentiveness at School Meetings: This has been an ever-expanding issue as our youth gets more and more addicted to their Instachat and Facegram and such. But you are all expected to respect the speakers/performers. We see your folded neck, let it be known that you are not fooling anyone! Some friends in the Polk-Lillard Center figured out how to remotely connect student devices to the All-School Meeting projector as the tech of Bluetooth advances. Trust us, Instagram won’t be so fun when the entire school community is watching as you DM your pookie AGAIN after being left on read.
Bags Left Around Campus: Your bag will be held hostage until you compose a heartfelt apology in the form of a poem or ballad, expressing your deepest regrets for abandoning it in a public space. This heartless abandonment has created a toxic environment speckled with distrust. This has made a lot of bags and coats feel unwanted. Our Rebecca M. Sykes Wellness Center counseling services already have enough to deal with.
Skipping Rocks on the Campus Pond: Prior to a full-team meeting, the student must compose A ten-page essay on the ecological impact of skipping rocks, complete with an annotated bibliography (use of ChatGPT or other AI forms will result in expulsion). Be prepared to argue for or against the proposition that rocks have feelings too.
Best of luck in following these rules (more to come. LOL),
THE DEANS
