The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Heroic Student Gives ACL To Our Scrumptious Pookie Bear Zuccy

How can this be? Mark Zuckerberg, my glorious king, benevolent prince, majestic lord, ever-loving knight, and noble master, has suffered a devastating injury. Alas! I am here. I am willing to do anything to save my flawless ruler, the pinnacle of Exeter’s academic endeavors. As a popular loner myself, I am willing to sacrifice my health, happiness, and mobility for my all-powerful messiah. Hence, I have scheduled my operation for tonight. I am honored to be removing my ACL and donating it to my gentlest Mark. To think that I will be a part of him. My body will be in his. There is nothing I desire more. I won’t need him starring in my VR porn anymore — our connection will be real. Whatever consequences I will face and difficulties I will have to surmount, it will all be worth it to see my sweetest sire healthy and happy. I do not ask for thanks; this will give me all the happiness I could ask for in a thousand lifetimes. 

Proud Exeter Student and Sigma Male, 

Ernest von Dumbledore IV