Dear Students,
After an extensive investigation, The Exonian has come to the discovery that almost the entire student body at Phillips Exeter Academy has been popping, snorting, and injecting an immense amount of Adderall in order to find success in their academics. These students resort to Adderall to help them focus on their schoolwork, likely because their once-strong minds have weakened with late-onset puberty and are now incapable of understanding simple concepts without the use of drugs.
The Exonian board hoped that a few special students might rise to the greatness of the staff of Andover’s humor section, but sadly it seems the brilliance of the Eighth Page surpasses even The Exonian’s Adderall-fueled performance. At first, the administration had no issues with students using performance-enhancing drugs because our Niche rating conveniently began to go up as well, but now we have become worried after learning that taking 100mg of Adderall before every class is, in fact, not healthy.
After observing certain events following the institution of Andover’s GAP, the Exeter administration understands that this drug abuse problem will not go away. Therefore, the administration has asked students to turn to other drugs such as nicotine, alcohol, and weed. We even began offering an assortment of free drugs, ranging from cotton candy vapes to pure Colombian cocaine, at events like school dances and all school meetings. However, it seems the student body has fought back with even more Adderall consumption. Exeter’s health center is overwhelmed, with one nurse saying, “This drug abuse isn’t valid.”
So far, no measure has been successful at combating Adderall abuse at Exeter. The self-aware staff at The Exonian is not surprised about these issues at Exeter. After all, what else would you expect from a bunch of Andover rejects?
